Bagels vs. Donuts
Emily C. Bernstein for APM Studios
Today’s debate features two delicious and delectable delicacies. It’s Donuts vs. Bagels! Listen as comedian Comrade Tripp dishes on donuts while actor and animator Brant Miller boasts the beauty of bagels. Who will be crowned the tastiest treat? Vote below for the team YOU think won!
Also… do you have your Smarty Pass yet? Get yours today for just $4/month (or $36/year) and get bonus episodes every month, and ad-free versions of every episode of Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Moment of Um and Forever Ago. Visit www.smartypass.org to get your Smarty Pass today. As an added bonus, your Smarty Pass will grant you access to a super special debate starring Sanden and Molly!
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ANNOUNCER: From the Brains behind Brains On, it's Smash Boom Best.
ELSA: The show for people with big opinions.
MOLLY BLOOM: Hi, I'm Molly Bloom. And this is Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate features two delicious and delectable delicacies. It's donuts versus bagels.
In one corner of the kitchen, we've got comedian Comrade Tripp ready to dish it up for team donuts.
COMRADE TRIPP: I'm ready to zero in on this debate because zeros are shaped like donuts.
MOLLY BLOOM: And actor and animator Brant Miller is here to boast the beauty of team bagels.
BRANT MILLER: My team is so yummy and fresh that I think I have this one in the bag-- el.
MOLLY BLOOM: And returning to judge it all is Elsa from Minneapolis. Elsa is spending her last summer before high school ripping it up at comedy camp, voice-over camp, and in a novel writing class. Elsa, can you tell us about the novel you want to write?
ELSA: Well, the novel I want to write is about an old woman and a young paper boy bonding over the old woman's intriguing past.
MOLLY BLOOM: Ooh, I am so excited. Does it have a title yet?
ELSA: No, it does not.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. I'm very excited.
ELSA: Still in the works.
MOLLY BLOOM: Would love to be an early reader. We know you love sushi and shrimp tempura most of all, but we heard your summer meal of choice is the caprese salad.
ELSA: Oh, I love caprese salad.
MOLLY BLOOM: Please tell us what a caprese salad is.
ELSA: It is mozzarella cheese with tomatoes and basil. And I like to have it with balsamic vinegar and olive oil.
MOLLY BLOOM: Why is that the perfect summer food?
ELSA: It's just really fresh and bright. And I love having it out on our deck with my parents. It's great.
MOLLY BLOOM: Sounds lovely. You also told us that you love to listen to jazz. So what era are we talking about? The '20s, the '30s, the '60s, contemporary jazz? What is your favorite?
ELSA: Mainly the 1930s up until the 1960s.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. Do you have a favorite jazz musician?
ELSA: Well, I love Nat King Cole, one of my favorites, and Ella Fitzgerald, Chet Baker. Those are my favorites.
MOLLY BLOOM: Classics. All right, Elsa. You've judged Smash Boom Best before, a couple other times. With that experience in mind, do you have any advice for our debaters today?
ELSA: You know, try your best, put your all into it, and just have fun.
BRANT MILLER: I'll try.
COMRADE TRIPP: I'll also try.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Will Elsa side with Comrade or Brant? We just won't know until we know. Before we dive in, let's review the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds of argumentation-- the declaration of greatness, the micro-round, the sneak attack, and the final six. After each round, our judge, Elsa, will award points to the team that impresses her the most, but she'll keep her decisions top secret until the end of the debate.
Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. All right. Comrade, Brant, and Elsa, are you ready?
BRANT MILLER: I'm ready to roll.
ELSA: I'm ready.
COMRADE TRIPP: Yes, also ready.
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for the--
ANNOUNCER: Declaration of greatness.
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin. And Comrade, you're up first. Tell us what makes donuts so downright amazing.
COMRADE TRIPP: Time is running out. This is my last chance. I'm so close, I can smell it.
[CHIMES RINGING]
BAKERY STAFF: Welcome to the bakery. What can I get for you?
COMRADE TRIPP: One donut, please.
BAKERY STAFF: Coming right up. We also have bagels available.
COMRADE TRIPP: No, thank you. I'm not available for bagels.
That was a recreation of the beginning of every day of my life. Donuts are the reason I get up in the morning because most bakeries close before noon. What is a donut? Where do they come from? Where are they going? They're going in my mouth, hopefully. A donut is any kind of deep-fried dough pastry. So you have your classic ring-shaped treat, but you also have bear claws, beaver tails, elephant ears, Long Johns, beignets, crullers, churros, olie-koecken, fry bread, funnel cake.
But every bagel must have a hole in the middle. Donuts are not bound by such somber constraints. Even the direct inverse of a donut is a donut. The beloved donut hole, or as I like to call them, micro-rounds.
ANNOUNCER: Micro-round.
COMRADE TRIPP: The main difference between donuts and bagels is that donuts taste better because that's how taste works. Donuts are a combination of sweet, savory, and salty flavors that our taste buds can't get enough of. Both bagels and donuts offer variety, different types of doughs and toppings. But what if we go back to basics?
Imagine a plain donut, no toppings, sprinkles, or glaze, just a plain cake donut fresh out of the fryer, no frills, no frosting, bare, a donut in its purest form, still light and warm, still delicious. Now imagine a plain bagel. No seeds, no cheese, no onion, no everything, no hummus or cream cheese schmear, not even cut in half, just one whole, solid, plain bagel into your mouth. Which would you choose? No decision has ever been easier.
Donuts aren't just delicious desserts. They're national heroes. In 1917, at the height of World War I, women weren't allowed to take up arms. But still, millions of women volunteered as physicians, nurses, telephone operators, linguists, and bakers. On the front lines of France, four of these women decided to help out by providing the troops with a taste of home.
WOMAN 1: Gee whiz. What can we do to help these glum-looking soldiers?
WOMAN 2: These lollygaggers sure could use a pick-me-up.
WOMAN 3: Well, let's see. We've got eggs, flour, sugar, baking powder, lard, and milk.
WOMAN 4: The closest we have to pots and pans are some empty bottles, cans, and a helmet.
WOMAN 1: With all this, we can make magic. And by magic, I mean donuts.
COMRADE TRIPP: With the most basic of supplies and in the most dire of situations, these greatest of women used their creativity to make the greatest of foods. This quickly caught on because everybody loved the donuts because they were donuts.
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
And soon, these donuteers were making fried dough to lift spirits every day. They were making over 2,000 donuts every day. They were the greatest war heroes of all time.
After the war in 1938, a Donut Day celebration was held to honor these women. And we continue to honor their legacy every first Friday of every June on National Donut Day, a holiday just for the donut. It's just once a year, but you know what? You don't have to wait till next June. As long as you're up before noon, it can be any day that you choose to show love. Any day that you get to eat a donut feels like a holiday. National Bagel Day is in January, in the cold where it belongs.
So how can you compare a dessert to any other food, something of pure joy to something that's just sustenance? It's like comparing a cupcake to a muffin or ice cream to yogurt or podcasts to radio. For every supposed similarity, there is a greater difference, because donuts aren't just baked goods, they're baked greats.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow. That was made with love. I can taste it in every bite of that declaration of greatness. That was wonderful. Elsa, what stood out to you about Comrade's argument?
ELSA: I really liked how you put how women in the workforce were kind of what brought donuts to be. I really liked that. I thought that was really interesting.
COMRADE TRIPP: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent. It's time for your rebuttal, Brant.
BRANT MILLER: OK.
MOLLY BLOOM: Tell us why donuts just "donut" cut it. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
BRANT MILLER: OK. The first thing that I'm going to talk about is the National Donut Day. Yeah, it happens in the summer when it's nice and beautiful. But when it's cold in January, and we need something super special to lift our spirits, they go to the bagel because it can do that. And you know what? I do like that all bagels have holes because I've gotten donuts at some donut shops that are, like, three pounds, and they're this big mound of gooey stuff. And I'm like, what am I eating here? Is this a cake? You might as well just give me a cake in the morning, you know? I know what a bagel is--
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
BRANT MILLER: --with the whole.
COMRADE TRIPP: I wish I could only eat donuts every single day. Also, yeah, it's cold. You can still have a donut as well.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent points. OK, Brant. I know you have a lot more to say about bagels, so please tell us why we should all buy bags of bagels.
BRANT MILLER: Bagels were invented in Eastern Europe, but they're usually associated with New York City.
[CAR HONKS]
I'm walking here! What else is New York City famous for? No, not sewers. Broadway.
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
Do you find it strange that you can't think of a single musical about bagels? Me too! So I've decided to write a new musical called My Fair Bagel, featuring soon-to-be classics like--
(SINGING) Bagels, glorious bagels, hot from the oven
Don't cry for me, I'm eating a bagel
The truth is, it's rather yummy
525,600 bagels
That's about how many I've eaten this year
Come on, bud
Why don't you eat this bread?
Ta, ta
And all that schmear
You cut your bagel, and you spread it on
Da, da, da
And all that smear
[APPLAUSE]
But are bagels spectacular enough for their own musical? [CHUCKLES] You bet your sesame bagel with lox, cream cheese, red onions, and capers they are, or cinnamon bagel with strawberry cream cheese they are, or salt bagel with bacon, egg, and cheese they are. I could go on and on because you can enjoy bagels with an endless array of flavors and toppings and fillings from cream cheese and smoked salmon to peanut butter and banana.
I mean, you wouldn't eat a smoked salmon donut or an egg and cheese donut. Ugh. I mean, you could, but--
[RETCHES]
This makes bagels perfect for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Whereas donuts, as my toddler would say--
LUNA: Donuts are a special treat.
BRANT MILLER: That's right, Luna. Donuts are fine. But with all that sugar, if I start eating them every day, my dentist would say--
DENTIST: Whatever it is you're doing, please stop.
BRANT MILLER: Well, I just made my deductible. So bagels are made by boiling a basic dough of flour, water, yeast, and salt before baking them to perfection in an oven. They come from Poland in the 17th century where they were a staple of the Jewish communities. The name bagel comes from the Yiddish word beygl, meaning bracelet or ring. The delectable bread quickly spread, eventually making its way to New York City with Jewish immigrants in the late 1800s. It wasn't an instant hit.
[CHIMES RINGING]
CUSTOMER: Uh, excuse me. I'd like to return this bun I bought. There seems to be some kind of an error. It has a hole in it, and it seems needlessly chewy. To say the least, I'm upset.
VENDOR: Oy vey.
BRANT MILLER: Over time, people got wise to how amazing these dough rings were, and now they are a staple of the American breakfast. Side note, you should check out the Forever Ago podcast. They did a whole episode about bagel history.
JOY DOLO: Aw. Thanks for the plug, Brant.
BRANT MILLER: You're welcome, Joy Dolo, host of Forever Ago. Joy, how do you feel about bagels?
JOY DOLO: I adore bagels.
BRANT MILLER: See? There you go, folks!
JOY DOLO: But I do love a good donut.
BRANT MILLER: [NERVOUS CHUCKLES] Anyways, if I haven't convinced you of the bagel's greatness, consider the perspective of Asa Diebolt, a bagel shop owner in Minneapolis, Minnesota who devoted his life to bagel making. Asa, why are bagels so great?
ASA DIEBOLT: They are just such a textural delight. The crackle of the crust of a fresh bagel when you bite into it and the contradictory tenderness and chewiness, it takes a little work. [CHUCKLES] The flavor and the contrast of textures is so lovely. All of that, plus all of the delicious toppings you can put on it. It's just a perfect vehicle for delicious cream cheeses and lox and all kinds of delicious things.
BRANT MILLER: Well, now I'm officially hungry. So I guess--
(SINGING) I'll eat a bagel today
Bet your bottom dollar that today
It'll be yum
Today, today, I'll eat one today
You're always a schmear away
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, we've got a hit!
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Wow, a very musical ode to the lovely bagel. Elsa, what did you like about Brant's declaration of greatness?
ELSA: I mean, I'm a musical theater person, so that was a great one for me. I was in Annie.
BRANT MILLER: Oh.
ELSA: So--
BRANT MILLER: Well, there you go.
ELSA: That was a great take on it with the bagel. I really liked that.
MOLLY BLOOM: Definitely be singing that next time I buy a bagel.
BRANT MILLER: Well, if you ever have an audition, and you need a song, I mean, you can use any of these songs that wrote. I give you permission.
ELSA: For sure, for sure.
BRANT MILLER: Not that I have permission to use them, but you can use them.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Comrade. It is time for your rebuttal. Tell us why bagels should be called bad-gels. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
COMRADE TRIPP: Bagels started in Poland. So did donuts. Donuts started everywhere. Actually, every community from around the world created their own version of the donut because it can be anything. 525,600 bagels? As Asa said, eating a bagel is a lot. You can't eat a bagel in one minute. It takes several minutes to eat.
"Food, Glorious Food," they're not talking about bagels in that one. I've seen Oliver Twist. I've seen that one. I'm not giving a-- I'm not throwing away my donut.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
COMRADE TRIPP: Bagel. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. Salmon, eggs, sure, but--
[LAUGHTER]
You don't need-- you don't need to add anything to a donut. It's a donut. Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: Amazing work. Elsa, it is time to award some points. I don't know what you're going to do. Both amazing debaters here today, but it's time to give one point to the declaration of greatness you liked best and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you giggle? Was another team's logic to die for? Award your points, but don't tell us who they're going to. Have you made your decision?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wonderful. Brant and Comrade, how are you two feeling so far?
COMRADE TRIPP: Good. Yeah.
BRANT MILLER: Yeah, pretty good.
MOLLY BLOOM: Pretty good?
BRANT MILLER: Pretty good.
MOLLY BLOOM: Pretty good? Excellent.
COMRADE TRIPP: You did excellent.
BRANT MILLER: You did excellent too. Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's time for a quick break. Grab some sprinkles or a little schmear.
ELSA: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
ANNOUNCER: You're listening to State of Debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TODD DOUGLAS: Hello, debate fans. I'm Todd Douglas, and I'm here with the one and only--
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Taylor Lincoln. And lucky me because I just hooked a big old logical fallacy.
TODD DOUGLAS: Logical fallacies are debate mistakes that make your argument weaker.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: I just saw someone using the special pleading fallacy. That's when a person asks for an exception to be made for their side without any support to back it up. Let's take a listen.
JAMES: Thanks for fishing with me, Jessie. I've been dying to test out this new bait I've been developing.
JESSIE: No problem, James. Besides, I've been dying to go fishing for months.
JAMES: What's been keeping you?
JESSIE: It's really hard to get a fishing permit this year. Without a permit, you're not allowed to fish. But luckily, I was able to get one yesterday.
JAMES: Oh yeah. Those permits sure are important for conserving wildlife. Every angler should get one.
JESSIE: Exactly. Hey, when did you get your permit?
JAMES: Oh, me? Oh, no, I never got one. But I think we'll be OK.
JESSIE: What? But you just said people should have them.
JAMES: Yeah, but I'm a really good fisherman. I think I'll be fine if I don't get one. You know what I mean? Besides, what could go wrong if just one guy doesn't have a permit?
[FOGHORN BLARES]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Woof. We're going to need a bigger boat for a logical fallacy this large.
TODD DOUGLAS: James knows having a fishing permit is really important, so it's unfair that he didn't get one himself.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: That's right. You're not allowed to fish without a permit, but he wants a special exception because he's good at fishing.
TODD DOUGLAS: That's a fishy excuse to me.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Exactly. James should have gotten a permit like Jessie did before they hit the lake.
TODD DOUGLAS: Wow. All this fishing talk has put me in the mood for some seafood. How about you, Taylor?
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Ooh, I'm always open for a fine Filet-O-Fish. We'll see you next time on--
TODD AND TAYLOR: State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: Brains On universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash Boom Best, we know you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on. Let's explore.
COMPUTER: Entering Brains On universe to find my favorite podcasts. Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Forever Ago. [GASPS] Picking up signal.
SINGERS: Ba ba, ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba, ba, Brains On.
COMPUTER: Brains On, a science podcast for kids and families.
MOLLY BLOOM: One wild fact about Antarctica is that if you dig about a hundred feet underground, you can find traces of a tropical rainforest.
COMPUTER: Wait, what?
MOLLY BLOOM: Yeah.
COMPUTER: [GASP] Zorp! Where did the signal go?
[BEEPING]
Must find Brains On now!
[EXPLODES]
ANNOUNCER: Listen to Brains On wherever you get your podcasts.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 3: Smash. Smash.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
MOLLY BLOOM: You're listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
ELSA: And I'm your judge, Elsa.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this very on-brand debate idea from Bridgette.
BRIDGETTE: I'm Bridgette. I'm from New York, and I like mermaids a lot. And my debate idea is muffins versus cupcakes.
ELSA: Muffins and cupcakes and donuts and bagels. Oh my!
MOLLY BLOOM: We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Bridgette thinks should win.
ELSA: And now, it's back to our debate, donuts versus bagels.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's right. And it's time for round two, the--
ANNOUNCER: Micro-round.
MOLLY BLOOM: For the micro-round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. For Comrade and Brant, their mission was to write a halftime speech inspired by their side. Comrade went first last time. So Brandt, you're up. Show us how you inspire team bagels.
[WHISTLES]
BRANT MILLER: All right, team bagels, gather 'round, gather 'round. Come on, take a knee. Here we go. I got to be honest with you. We're getting cream cheesed out there, really battered. We're down by a baker's dozen at the half, and it looks like lunch is on the horizon. I warned you not to let the donuts' sweet exterior fool you. And now look, they're schmearing you all over the place!
But we won't be glazed over anymore. No, no, no. Look around this locker room. Not a one of you looks like a day-old bagel. You think you're stale because your brain keeps telling you you're stale. But I know better. And you know better! You're fresh! You've proved yourself time and time again. You're ready to rise. And we will rise together as a team!
[CHEERING]
Now go back out there. Show them what you're made of. Now find the donut hole in their defense. Remember why we're here. Think of all the early mornings, the sacrifices, the toppings, the boiling. Never forget, you're everything. Literally, you're everything bagels. And always remember, warm bagels, full tummies can't lose. Now let's go out there and toast those donuts!
[CHEERING]
TEAM BAGELS: Warm bagels, full tummies can't lose.
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Way to go, coach.
BRANT MILLER: Thanks.
MOLLY BLOOM: Nicely done. All right, Comrade, it is your turn. Tell us why team donuts should take the W.
COMRADE TRIPP: Today, today was tough for all of us, me, the humble baker, and you, my dearest donuts. I put you all out there under the lights against the glass, and nobody bought you. But that was today. Today, you were fresh. You were new. You were ready-- iced, frosted, sprinkled. You put everything. You were out there today. But tomorrow, you join the ranks of the day-olds. Tomorrow is the day that you're going to make it out of here.
No, you won't be as fresh. Your sprinkles may have fallen off, your icing cracked, your custard filling slightly seeping. But you will be out there at a discounted price, and that's what matters. Our customers will want you more because you cost less. They know that you still taste mostly the same. And you'll probably stay in the fridge for a few more days anyway, so what's the difference?
There's no I in team, but there is a U donuts. Sometimes there's two Us depending on how you spell donut. So go out there knowing that you're going to reach for the stars, those shining sprinkles in the sky, because yes, there is a day-old section, but there's no two-day-old section. It's now or never.
TEAM DONUTS: Day-olds! Day-olds! Day-olds!
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Day-old donuts are still donuts, still delicious. Well done. All right. Elsa, what did you like about Comrade and Brant's inspiring halftime speeches?
ELSA: I mean, they were both so inspiring and passionate. I felt-- I was moved from over here. They were just both so great. This was a tough one, tough round.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's a really tough one, but you have to award only one point. So please give a point to the micro-round that you liked best. Have you made your decision?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy--
[CHANTING]
ANNOUNCER: Sneak attack.
MOLLY BLOOM: This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's sneak attack is called joke book. It is your job to come up with three jokes related to your side. Feel free to use the format of beloved kids jokes such as the knock knock joke, why did the chicken cross the road, or guess what, chicken butt. Debaters, are you ready for this sneak attack?
COMRADE TRIPP: I should be, but we'll see.
BRANT MILLER: Ditto.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. We're going to start with Comrade. Let's hear your first donut-related joke.
COMRADE TRIPP: Knock, knock.
MOLLY BLOOM: Who's there?
BRANT MILLER: Who's there?
COMRADE TRIPP: Donut.
MOLLY BLOOM: Donut who?
ELSA: Donut who?
COMRADE TRIPP: Isn't that enough?
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
Very nice. Brant, time for you to tell us a bagel-related joke.
BRANT MILLER: Knock, knock.
MOLLY AND ELSA: Who's there?
BRANT MILLER: Bagel.
MOLLY AND ELSA: Bagel who?
BRANT MILLER: Bagel who? I'm trying to deliver a bagel. Is it for you? I've got a lot of stops. If you could just take the bagel. I got to go. Please. No jokes. No more jokes.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
Wow. These delivery people are a little pushy. OK. Comrade, it is time for your joke number two for the donut.
COMRADE TRIPP: Knock-- no, it's not another knock knock joke.
[LAUGHTER]
Sometimes I feel like my life is like a donut. Sometimes I feel like there's something missing inside me. But most of the time, I'm just warm.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And very sweet. All right, Brant, please tell us your second bagel joke.
BRANT MILLER: Why did the chicken cross the road?
MOLLY BLOOM: Why?
ELSA: Why?
BRANT MILLER: To eat the vegan egg bagel sandwich.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
BRANT MILLER: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
All right, Comrade, please bring us home with your last joke.
COMRADE TRIPP: You'd think this would have been easier for me as a comedian, but my sense of humor has always been a bit more unconventional. But today I had to be more confectional.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Very good. All right, Brant, your last joke for the bagel.
BRANT MILLER: What do you call a bagel with no cream cheese?
MOLLY BLOOM: What?
ELSA: What?
BRANT MILLER: A tragedy.
COMRADE TRIPP: Yeah. That's what I call every bagel.
[LAUGHTER]
BRANT MILLER: Whoa. Oh. OK.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. Elsa, you heard the jokes. They made us laugh. They made us think. But now it's time for you to award a point. Have you awarded a point for this sneak attack?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wonderful. Then it's time for our final round.
ANNOUNCER: The final six.
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Brant, let's hear your six words that will give us the final buzz on bagels.
BRANT MILLER: Donuts are fun. Bagels are satisfying.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm-hmm. Very good. All right, Comrade, it's your turn. Tell us why donuts are the rulers of round food.
COMRADE TRIPP: Either way you spell it, delicious.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm. Very nice. All right, Elsa, it's time to award a final point for this final six. Have you made your decision?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Are you ready to crown one team the Smash Boom Best?
ELSA: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Drum roll please.
[DRUM ROLL]
And the winner is--
ELSA: Bagels!
BRANT MILLER: Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes. I am going to celebrate by going and getting a bagel right after this. And maybe a donut, maybe a donut.
COMRADE TRIPP: This has been a difficult day for me, but at least I have donuts. You know what they say, bagels, you can freeze them for up to six months. But I think you can just leave them in there. Just freeze them forever.
[LAUGHTER]
BRANT MILLER: A real deep freeze, yeah
COMRADE TRIPP: Yeah. Yeah. Well done.
MOLLY BLOOM: Elsa, what was your favorite part of today's debate?
ELSA: Oh, I really liked the jokes. I liked the jokes. That was really fun.
MOLLY BLOOM: They were very funny. Well done.
ELSA: The declaration of greatness was really good too, both of them.
MOLLY BLOOM: I cried laughing listening to both of them, so well done.
BRANT MILLER: That was incredible. I actually asked to debate against you because I enjoy your performance in all the Smash Boom Best. So great job, really crushed it.
COMRADE TRIPP: I would have asked for you too if I had met you before today.
[LAUGHTER]
For all my grievances against bagels, you, to me-- you were the opposite of a bagel to me. You're a great person.
[LAUGHTER]
You're whole, mighty and wonderful.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, that is it for today's debate battle. Elsa crowned bagels the Smash Boom Best, but what about you?
ELSA: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
MOLLY BLOOM: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On and APM Studios. It's produced by Molly Bloom--
ANNA WEGGEL: Anna Weggel
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aron Woldeslassie.
MOLLY BLOOM: We had engineering help from Josh Sauvageau with sound design by Anna Weggel. Our editors are--
SHAHLA FARZAN: Shahla Farzan
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
SANDEN TOTTEN: Sanden Totten.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On universe team.
ROSIE DUPONT: Rosie duPont.
RACHEL BREES: Rachel Brees.
ANNA GOLDFIELD: Anna Goldfield.
NICO GONZALEZ WISLER: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN HUMPERT: Lauren Humpert.
JESS MILLER: Jess Miller.
JOSHUA RAY: Joshua Ray.
MARC SANCHEZ: Marc Sanchez.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
CHARLOTTE TRAVER: Charlotte Traver.
MOLLY BLOOM: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman. And the APM Studios executives-in-charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Comrade, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?
COMRADE TRIPP: My niece and nephew, Dylan and Malayla. They're eight and three. We had donuts two days ago for good luck. Yeah, but it wasn't enough.
MOLLY BLOOM: Brant, how about you? Any special shout-outs?
BRANT MILLER: First, I want to say a special-shout out to my daughter, Luna, who was in my declaration of greatness. And then a very special shout-out to all the people who make bagels and donuts who actually work overnights most of the time so we can have fresh bagels in the morning, which improves our quality of life. So they are the real heroes.
MOLLY BLOOM: So true. And Elsa, how about you? Any shout-outs?
ELSA: My parents, all of my friends, and the whole Brains On, Smash Boom Best team.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, before we go, let's check in and see who Bridgette thinks should win the muffins versus cupcakes debate.
BRIDGETTE: I think that muffin should win since they have a little less sugar, and cupcakes have a lot of extra sugar for frosting. No, sorry.
MOLLY BLOOM: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down, drag out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. To see Elsa's score sheet, look for Smash Boom Best on Instagram and make sure to subscribe to Brains On Universe on YouTube where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes. We'll be back with a new Smash Boom Best debate battle next week.
ALL: Bye.
SINGERS: (SINGING)Oh, yeah, the Smash Boom Best
Oh, put it through the test
Oh, yeah, the Smash Boom Best
Oh, better than the rest
It's a Smash Boom Best
It's a Smash Boom Best
MOLLY BLOOM: Oy vey.
[LAUGHTER]
ELSA: The show for people with big opinions.
MOLLY BLOOM: Hi, I'm Molly Bloom. And this is Smash Boom Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate features two delicious and delectable delicacies. It's donuts versus bagels.
In one corner of the kitchen, we've got comedian Comrade Tripp ready to dish it up for team donuts.
COMRADE TRIPP: I'm ready to zero in on this debate because zeros are shaped like donuts.
MOLLY BLOOM: And actor and animator Brant Miller is here to boast the beauty of team bagels.
BRANT MILLER: My team is so yummy and fresh that I think I have this one in the bag-- el.
MOLLY BLOOM: And returning to judge it all is Elsa from Minneapolis. Elsa is spending her last summer before high school ripping it up at comedy camp, voice-over camp, and in a novel writing class. Elsa, can you tell us about the novel you want to write?
ELSA: Well, the novel I want to write is about an old woman and a young paper boy bonding over the old woman's intriguing past.
MOLLY BLOOM: Ooh, I am so excited. Does it have a title yet?
ELSA: No, it does not.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. I'm very excited.
ELSA: Still in the works.
MOLLY BLOOM: Would love to be an early reader. We know you love sushi and shrimp tempura most of all, but we heard your summer meal of choice is the caprese salad.
ELSA: Oh, I love caprese salad.
MOLLY BLOOM: Please tell us what a caprese salad is.
ELSA: It is mozzarella cheese with tomatoes and basil. And I like to have it with balsamic vinegar and olive oil.
MOLLY BLOOM: Why is that the perfect summer food?
ELSA: It's just really fresh and bright. And I love having it out on our deck with my parents. It's great.
MOLLY BLOOM: Sounds lovely. You also told us that you love to listen to jazz. So what era are we talking about? The '20s, the '30s, the '60s, contemporary jazz? What is your favorite?
ELSA: Mainly the 1930s up until the 1960s.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. Do you have a favorite jazz musician?
ELSA: Well, I love Nat King Cole, one of my favorites, and Ella Fitzgerald, Chet Baker. Those are my favorites.
MOLLY BLOOM: Classics. All right, Elsa. You've judged Smash Boom Best before, a couple other times. With that experience in mind, do you have any advice for our debaters today?
ELSA: You know, try your best, put your all into it, and just have fun.
BRANT MILLER: I'll try.
COMRADE TRIPP: I'll also try.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Will Elsa side with Comrade or Brant? We just won't know until we know. Before we dive in, let's review the rules of the game. Every debate consists of four rounds of argumentation-- the declaration of greatness, the micro-round, the sneak attack, and the final six. After each round, our judge, Elsa, will award points to the team that impresses her the most, but she'll keep her decisions top secret until the end of the debate.
Listeners, we want you to judge too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. All right. Comrade, Brant, and Elsa, are you ready?
BRANT MILLER: I'm ready to roll.
ELSA: I'm ready.
COMRADE TRIPP: Yes, also ready.
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for the--
ANNOUNCER: Declaration of greatness.
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll each have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin. And Comrade, you're up first. Tell us what makes donuts so downright amazing.
COMRADE TRIPP: Time is running out. This is my last chance. I'm so close, I can smell it.
[CHIMES RINGING]
BAKERY STAFF: Welcome to the bakery. What can I get for you?
COMRADE TRIPP: One donut, please.
BAKERY STAFF: Coming right up. We also have bagels available.
COMRADE TRIPP: No, thank you. I'm not available for bagels.
That was a recreation of the beginning of every day of my life. Donuts are the reason I get up in the morning because most bakeries close before noon. What is a donut? Where do they come from? Where are they going? They're going in my mouth, hopefully. A donut is any kind of deep-fried dough pastry. So you have your classic ring-shaped treat, but you also have bear claws, beaver tails, elephant ears, Long Johns, beignets, crullers, churros, olie-koecken, fry bread, funnel cake.
But every bagel must have a hole in the middle. Donuts are not bound by such somber constraints. Even the direct inverse of a donut is a donut. The beloved donut hole, or as I like to call them, micro-rounds.
ANNOUNCER: Micro-round.
COMRADE TRIPP: The main difference between donuts and bagels is that donuts taste better because that's how taste works. Donuts are a combination of sweet, savory, and salty flavors that our taste buds can't get enough of. Both bagels and donuts offer variety, different types of doughs and toppings. But what if we go back to basics?
Imagine a plain donut, no toppings, sprinkles, or glaze, just a plain cake donut fresh out of the fryer, no frills, no frosting, bare, a donut in its purest form, still light and warm, still delicious. Now imagine a plain bagel. No seeds, no cheese, no onion, no everything, no hummus or cream cheese schmear, not even cut in half, just one whole, solid, plain bagel into your mouth. Which would you choose? No decision has ever been easier.
Donuts aren't just delicious desserts. They're national heroes. In 1917, at the height of World War I, women weren't allowed to take up arms. But still, millions of women volunteered as physicians, nurses, telephone operators, linguists, and bakers. On the front lines of France, four of these women decided to help out by providing the troops with a taste of home.
WOMAN 1: Gee whiz. What can we do to help these glum-looking soldiers?
WOMAN 2: These lollygaggers sure could use a pick-me-up.
WOMAN 3: Well, let's see. We've got eggs, flour, sugar, baking powder, lard, and milk.
WOMAN 4: The closest we have to pots and pans are some empty bottles, cans, and a helmet.
WOMAN 1: With all this, we can make magic. And by magic, I mean donuts.
COMRADE TRIPP: With the most basic of supplies and in the most dire of situations, these greatest of women used their creativity to make the greatest of foods. This quickly caught on because everybody loved the donuts because they were donuts.
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
And soon, these donuteers were making fried dough to lift spirits every day. They were making over 2,000 donuts every day. They were the greatest war heroes of all time.
After the war in 1938, a Donut Day celebration was held to honor these women. And we continue to honor their legacy every first Friday of every June on National Donut Day, a holiday just for the donut. It's just once a year, but you know what? You don't have to wait till next June. As long as you're up before noon, it can be any day that you choose to show love. Any day that you get to eat a donut feels like a holiday. National Bagel Day is in January, in the cold where it belongs.
So how can you compare a dessert to any other food, something of pure joy to something that's just sustenance? It's like comparing a cupcake to a muffin or ice cream to yogurt or podcasts to radio. For every supposed similarity, there is a greater difference, because donuts aren't just baked goods, they're baked greats.
MOLLY BLOOM: Wow. That was made with love. I can taste it in every bite of that declaration of greatness. That was wonderful. Elsa, what stood out to you about Comrade's argument?
ELSA: I really liked how you put how women in the workforce were kind of what brought donuts to be. I really liked that. I thought that was really interesting.
COMRADE TRIPP: Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent. It's time for your rebuttal, Brant.
BRANT MILLER: OK.
MOLLY BLOOM: Tell us why donuts just "donut" cut it. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
BRANT MILLER: OK. The first thing that I'm going to talk about is the National Donut Day. Yeah, it happens in the summer when it's nice and beautiful. But when it's cold in January, and we need something super special to lift our spirits, they go to the bagel because it can do that. And you know what? I do like that all bagels have holes because I've gotten donuts at some donut shops that are, like, three pounds, and they're this big mound of gooey stuff. And I'm like, what am I eating here? Is this a cake? You might as well just give me a cake in the morning, you know? I know what a bagel is--
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
BRANT MILLER: --with the whole.
COMRADE TRIPP: I wish I could only eat donuts every single day. Also, yeah, it's cold. You can still have a donut as well.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Excellent points. OK, Brant. I know you have a lot more to say about bagels, so please tell us why we should all buy bags of bagels.
BRANT MILLER: Bagels were invented in Eastern Europe, but they're usually associated with New York City.
[CAR HONKS]
I'm walking here! What else is New York City famous for? No, not sewers. Broadway.
[FESTIVE MUSIC]
Do you find it strange that you can't think of a single musical about bagels? Me too! So I've decided to write a new musical called My Fair Bagel, featuring soon-to-be classics like--
(SINGING) Bagels, glorious bagels, hot from the oven
Don't cry for me, I'm eating a bagel
The truth is, it's rather yummy
525,600 bagels
That's about how many I've eaten this year
Come on, bud
Why don't you eat this bread?
Ta, ta
And all that schmear
You cut your bagel, and you spread it on
Da, da, da
And all that smear
[APPLAUSE]
But are bagels spectacular enough for their own musical? [CHUCKLES] You bet your sesame bagel with lox, cream cheese, red onions, and capers they are, or cinnamon bagel with strawberry cream cheese they are, or salt bagel with bacon, egg, and cheese they are. I could go on and on because you can enjoy bagels with an endless array of flavors and toppings and fillings from cream cheese and smoked salmon to peanut butter and banana.
I mean, you wouldn't eat a smoked salmon donut or an egg and cheese donut. Ugh. I mean, you could, but--
[RETCHES]
This makes bagels perfect for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Whereas donuts, as my toddler would say--
LUNA: Donuts are a special treat.
BRANT MILLER: That's right, Luna. Donuts are fine. But with all that sugar, if I start eating them every day, my dentist would say--
DENTIST: Whatever it is you're doing, please stop.
BRANT MILLER: Well, I just made my deductible. So bagels are made by boiling a basic dough of flour, water, yeast, and salt before baking them to perfection in an oven. They come from Poland in the 17th century where they were a staple of the Jewish communities. The name bagel comes from the Yiddish word beygl, meaning bracelet or ring. The delectable bread quickly spread, eventually making its way to New York City with Jewish immigrants in the late 1800s. It wasn't an instant hit.
[CHIMES RINGING]
CUSTOMER: Uh, excuse me. I'd like to return this bun I bought. There seems to be some kind of an error. It has a hole in it, and it seems needlessly chewy. To say the least, I'm upset.
VENDOR: Oy vey.
BRANT MILLER: Over time, people got wise to how amazing these dough rings were, and now they are a staple of the American breakfast. Side note, you should check out the Forever Ago podcast. They did a whole episode about bagel history.
JOY DOLO: Aw. Thanks for the plug, Brant.
BRANT MILLER: You're welcome, Joy Dolo, host of Forever Ago. Joy, how do you feel about bagels?
JOY DOLO: I adore bagels.
BRANT MILLER: See? There you go, folks!
JOY DOLO: But I do love a good donut.
BRANT MILLER: [NERVOUS CHUCKLES] Anyways, if I haven't convinced you of the bagel's greatness, consider the perspective of Asa Diebolt, a bagel shop owner in Minneapolis, Minnesota who devoted his life to bagel making. Asa, why are bagels so great?
ASA DIEBOLT: They are just such a textural delight. The crackle of the crust of a fresh bagel when you bite into it and the contradictory tenderness and chewiness, it takes a little work. [CHUCKLES] The flavor and the contrast of textures is so lovely. All of that, plus all of the delicious toppings you can put on it. It's just a perfect vehicle for delicious cream cheeses and lox and all kinds of delicious things.
BRANT MILLER: Well, now I'm officially hungry. So I guess--
(SINGING) I'll eat a bagel today
Bet your bottom dollar that today
It'll be yum
Today, today, I'll eat one today
You're always a schmear away
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, we've got a hit!
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Wow, a very musical ode to the lovely bagel. Elsa, what did you like about Brant's declaration of greatness?
ELSA: I mean, I'm a musical theater person, so that was a great one for me. I was in Annie.
BRANT MILLER: Oh.
ELSA: So--
BRANT MILLER: Well, there you go.
ELSA: That was a great take on it with the bagel. I really liked that.
MOLLY BLOOM: Definitely be singing that next time I buy a bagel.
BRANT MILLER: Well, if you ever have an audition, and you need a song, I mean, you can use any of these songs that wrote. I give you permission.
ELSA: For sure, for sure.
BRANT MILLER: Not that I have permission to use them, but you can use them.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right, Comrade. It is time for your rebuttal. Tell us why bagels should be called bad-gels. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
COMRADE TRIPP: Bagels started in Poland. So did donuts. Donuts started everywhere. Actually, every community from around the world created their own version of the donut because it can be anything. 525,600 bagels? As Asa said, eating a bagel is a lot. You can't eat a bagel in one minute. It takes several minutes to eat.
"Food, Glorious Food," they're not talking about bagels in that one. I've seen Oliver Twist. I've seen that one. I'm not giving a-- I'm not throwing away my donut.
MOLLY BLOOM: And time.
COMRADE TRIPP: Bagel. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. Salmon, eggs, sure, but--
[LAUGHTER]
You don't need-- you don't need to add anything to a donut. It's a donut. Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: Amazing work. Elsa, it is time to award some points. I don't know what you're going to do. Both amazing debaters here today, but it's time to give one point to the declaration of greatness you liked best and one point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you giggle? Was another team's logic to die for? Award your points, but don't tell us who they're going to. Have you made your decision?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wonderful. Brant and Comrade, how are you two feeling so far?
COMRADE TRIPP: Good. Yeah.
BRANT MILLER: Yeah, pretty good.
MOLLY BLOOM: Pretty good?
BRANT MILLER: Pretty good.
MOLLY BLOOM: Pretty good? Excellent.
COMRADE TRIPP: You did excellent.
BRANT MILLER: You did excellent too. Yeah.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's time for a quick break. Grab some sprinkles or a little schmear.
ELSA: And we'll be right back with more Smash Boom Best.
ANNOUNCER: You're listening to State of Debate, home to rage and rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TODD DOUGLAS: Hello, debate fans. I'm Todd Douglas, and I'm here with the one and only--
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Taylor Lincoln. And lucky me because I just hooked a big old logical fallacy.
TODD DOUGLAS: Logical fallacies are debate mistakes that make your argument weaker.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: I just saw someone using the special pleading fallacy. That's when a person asks for an exception to be made for their side without any support to back it up. Let's take a listen.
JAMES: Thanks for fishing with me, Jessie. I've been dying to test out this new bait I've been developing.
JESSIE: No problem, James. Besides, I've been dying to go fishing for months.
JAMES: What's been keeping you?
JESSIE: It's really hard to get a fishing permit this year. Without a permit, you're not allowed to fish. But luckily, I was able to get one yesterday.
JAMES: Oh yeah. Those permits sure are important for conserving wildlife. Every angler should get one.
JESSIE: Exactly. Hey, when did you get your permit?
JAMES: Oh, me? Oh, no, I never got one. But I think we'll be OK.
JESSIE: What? But you just said people should have them.
JAMES: Yeah, but I'm a really good fisherman. I think I'll be fine if I don't get one. You know what I mean? Besides, what could go wrong if just one guy doesn't have a permit?
[FOGHORN BLARES]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Woof. We're going to need a bigger boat for a logical fallacy this large.
TODD DOUGLAS: James knows having a fishing permit is really important, so it's unfair that he didn't get one himself.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: That's right. You're not allowed to fish without a permit, but he wants a special exception because he's good at fishing.
TODD DOUGLAS: That's a fishy excuse to me.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Exactly. James should have gotten a permit like Jessie did before they hit the lake.
TODD DOUGLAS: Wow. All this fishing talk has put me in the mood for some seafood. How about you, Taylor?
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Ooh, I'm always open for a fine Filet-O-Fish. We'll see you next time on--
TODD AND TAYLOR: State of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ANNOUNCER: Brains On universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash Boom Best, we know you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on. Let's explore.
COMPUTER: Entering Brains On universe to find my favorite podcasts. Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Forever Ago. [GASPS] Picking up signal.
SINGERS: Ba ba, ba ba, ba ba, ba ba ba, ba, Brains On.
COMPUTER: Brains On, a science podcast for kids and families.
MOLLY BLOOM: One wild fact about Antarctica is that if you dig about a hundred feet underground, you can find traces of a tropical rainforest.
COMPUTER: Wait, what?
MOLLY BLOOM: Yeah.
COMPUTER: [GASP] Zorp! Where did the signal go?
[BEEPING]
Must find Brains On now!
[EXPLODES]
ANNOUNCER: Listen to Brains On wherever you get your podcasts.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 3: Smash. Smash.
SPEAKER 2: Boom.
SPEAKER 1: Best.
MOLLY BLOOM: You're listening to Smash Boom Best. I'm your host, Molly Bloom.
ELSA: And I'm your judge, Elsa.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this very on-brand debate idea from Bridgette.
BRIDGETTE: I'm Bridgette. I'm from New York, and I like mermaids a lot. And my debate idea is muffins versus cupcakes.
ELSA: Muffins and cupcakes and donuts and bagels. Oh my!
MOLLY BLOOM: We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Bridgette thinks should win.
ELSA: And now, it's back to our debate, donuts versus bagels.
MOLLY BLOOM: That's right. And it's time for round two, the--
ANNOUNCER: Micro-round.
MOLLY BLOOM: For the micro-round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. For Comrade and Brant, their mission was to write a halftime speech inspired by their side. Comrade went first last time. So Brandt, you're up. Show us how you inspire team bagels.
[WHISTLES]
BRANT MILLER: All right, team bagels, gather 'round, gather 'round. Come on, take a knee. Here we go. I got to be honest with you. We're getting cream cheesed out there, really battered. We're down by a baker's dozen at the half, and it looks like lunch is on the horizon. I warned you not to let the donuts' sweet exterior fool you. And now look, they're schmearing you all over the place!
But we won't be glazed over anymore. No, no, no. Look around this locker room. Not a one of you looks like a day-old bagel. You think you're stale because your brain keeps telling you you're stale. But I know better. And you know better! You're fresh! You've proved yourself time and time again. You're ready to rise. And we will rise together as a team!
[CHEERING]
Now go back out there. Show them what you're made of. Now find the donut hole in their defense. Remember why we're here. Think of all the early mornings, the sacrifices, the toppings, the boiling. Never forget, you're everything. Literally, you're everything bagels. And always remember, warm bagels, full tummies can't lose. Now let's go out there and toast those donuts!
[CHEERING]
TEAM BAGELS: Warm bagels, full tummies can't lose.
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Way to go, coach.
BRANT MILLER: Thanks.
MOLLY BLOOM: Nicely done. All right, Comrade, it is your turn. Tell us why team donuts should take the W.
COMRADE TRIPP: Today, today was tough for all of us, me, the humble baker, and you, my dearest donuts. I put you all out there under the lights against the glass, and nobody bought you. But that was today. Today, you were fresh. You were new. You were ready-- iced, frosted, sprinkled. You put everything. You were out there today. But tomorrow, you join the ranks of the day-olds. Tomorrow is the day that you're going to make it out of here.
No, you won't be as fresh. Your sprinkles may have fallen off, your icing cracked, your custard filling slightly seeping. But you will be out there at a discounted price, and that's what matters. Our customers will want you more because you cost less. They know that you still taste mostly the same. And you'll probably stay in the fridge for a few more days anyway, so what's the difference?
There's no I in team, but there is a U donuts. Sometimes there's two Us depending on how you spell donut. So go out there knowing that you're going to reach for the stars, those shining sprinkles in the sky, because yes, there is a day-old section, but there's no two-day-old section. It's now or never.
TEAM DONUTS: Day-olds! Day-olds! Day-olds!
MOLLY BLOOM: [CHUCKLES] Day-old donuts are still donuts, still delicious. Well done. All right. Elsa, what did you like about Comrade and Brant's inspiring halftime speeches?
ELSA: I mean, they were both so inspiring and passionate. I felt-- I was moved from over here. They were just both so great. This was a tough one, tough round.
MOLLY BLOOM: It's a really tough one, but you have to award only one point. So please give a point to the micro-round that you liked best. Have you made your decision?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy--
[CHANTING]
ANNOUNCER: Sneak attack.
MOLLY BLOOM: This is our improvised round where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's sneak attack is called joke book. It is your job to come up with three jokes related to your side. Feel free to use the format of beloved kids jokes such as the knock knock joke, why did the chicken cross the road, or guess what, chicken butt. Debaters, are you ready for this sneak attack?
COMRADE TRIPP: I should be, but we'll see.
BRANT MILLER: Ditto.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. We're going to start with Comrade. Let's hear your first donut-related joke.
COMRADE TRIPP: Knock, knock.
MOLLY BLOOM: Who's there?
BRANT MILLER: Who's there?
COMRADE TRIPP: Donut.
MOLLY BLOOM: Donut who?
ELSA: Donut who?
COMRADE TRIPP: Isn't that enough?
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
Very nice. Brant, time for you to tell us a bagel-related joke.
BRANT MILLER: Knock, knock.
MOLLY AND ELSA: Who's there?
BRANT MILLER: Bagel.
MOLLY AND ELSA: Bagel who?
BRANT MILLER: Bagel who? I'm trying to deliver a bagel. Is it for you? I've got a lot of stops. If you could just take the bagel. I got to go. Please. No jokes. No more jokes.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
Wow. These delivery people are a little pushy. OK. Comrade, it is time for your joke number two for the donut.
COMRADE TRIPP: Knock-- no, it's not another knock knock joke.
[LAUGHTER]
Sometimes I feel like my life is like a donut. Sometimes I feel like there's something missing inside me. But most of the time, I'm just warm.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: And very sweet. All right, Brant, please tell us your second bagel joke.
BRANT MILLER: Why did the chicken cross the road?
MOLLY BLOOM: Why?
ELSA: Why?
BRANT MILLER: To eat the vegan egg bagel sandwich.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
BRANT MILLER: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
MOLLY BLOOM: [LAUGHS]
All right, Comrade, please bring us home with your last joke.
COMRADE TRIPP: You'd think this would have been easier for me as a comedian, but my sense of humor has always been a bit more unconventional. But today I had to be more confectional.
[LAUGHTER]
MOLLY BLOOM: Very good. All right, Brant, your last joke for the bagel.
BRANT MILLER: What do you call a bagel with no cream cheese?
MOLLY BLOOM: What?
ELSA: What?
BRANT MILLER: A tragedy.
COMRADE TRIPP: Yeah. That's what I call every bagel.
[LAUGHTER]
BRANT MILLER: Whoa. Oh. OK.
MOLLY BLOOM: OK. Elsa, you heard the jokes. They made us laugh. They made us think. But now it's time for you to award a point. Have you awarded a point for this sneak attack?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Wonderful. Then it's time for our final round.
ANNOUNCER: The final six.
MOLLY BLOOM: In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. Brant, let's hear your six words that will give us the final buzz on bagels.
BRANT MILLER: Donuts are fun. Bagels are satisfying.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm-hmm. Very good. All right, Comrade, it's your turn. Tell us why donuts are the rulers of round food.
COMRADE TRIPP: Either way you spell it, delicious.
MOLLY BLOOM: Mm. Very nice. All right, Elsa, it's time to award a final point for this final six. Have you made your decision?
ELSA: Yes, I have.
[BELL DINGS]
MOLLY BLOOM: Are you ready to crown one team the Smash Boom Best?
ELSA: Yes.
MOLLY BLOOM: All right. Drum roll please.
[DRUM ROLL]
And the winner is--
ELSA: Bagels!
BRANT MILLER: Yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes. I am going to celebrate by going and getting a bagel right after this. And maybe a donut, maybe a donut.
COMRADE TRIPP: This has been a difficult day for me, but at least I have donuts. You know what they say, bagels, you can freeze them for up to six months. But I think you can just leave them in there. Just freeze them forever.
[LAUGHTER]
BRANT MILLER: A real deep freeze, yeah
COMRADE TRIPP: Yeah. Yeah. Well done.
MOLLY BLOOM: Elsa, what was your favorite part of today's debate?
ELSA: Oh, I really liked the jokes. I liked the jokes. That was really fun.
MOLLY BLOOM: They were very funny. Well done.
ELSA: The declaration of greatness was really good too, both of them.
MOLLY BLOOM: I cried laughing listening to both of them, so well done.
BRANT MILLER: That was incredible. I actually asked to debate against you because I enjoy your performance in all the Smash Boom Best. So great job, really crushed it.
COMRADE TRIPP: I would have asked for you too if I had met you before today.
[LAUGHTER]
For all my grievances against bagels, you, to me-- you were the opposite of a bagel to me. You're a great person.
[LAUGHTER]
You're whole, mighty and wonderful.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, that is it for today's debate battle. Elsa crowned bagels the Smash Boom Best, but what about you?
ELSA: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
MOLLY BLOOM: Smash Boom Best is brought to you by Brains On and APM Studios. It's produced by Molly Bloom--
ANNA WEGGEL: Anna Weggel
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aron Woldeslassie.
MOLLY BLOOM: We had engineering help from Josh Sauvageau with sound design by Anna Weggel. Our editors are--
SHAHLA FARZAN: Shahla Farzan
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
SANDEN TOTTEN: Sanden Totten.
MOLLY BLOOM: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On universe team.
ROSIE DUPONT: Rosie duPont.
RACHEL BREES: Rachel Brees.
ANNA GOLDFIELD: Anna Goldfield.
NICO GONZALEZ WISLER: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN HUMPERT: Lauren Humpert.
JESS MILLER: Jess Miller.
JOSHUA RAY: Joshua Ray.
MARC SANCHEZ: Marc Sanchez.
MOLLY BLOOM: --and--
CHARLOTTE TRAVER: Charlotte Traver.
MOLLY BLOOM: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman. And the APM Studios executives-in-charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto. And we want to give a special thanks to Austin Cross and Taylor Kaufman. Comrade, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?
COMRADE TRIPP: My niece and nephew, Dylan and Malayla. They're eight and three. We had donuts two days ago for good luck. Yeah, but it wasn't enough.
MOLLY BLOOM: Brant, how about you? Any special shout-outs?
BRANT MILLER: First, I want to say a special-shout out to my daughter, Luna, who was in my declaration of greatness. And then a very special shout-out to all the people who make bagels and donuts who actually work overnights most of the time so we can have fresh bagels in the morning, which improves our quality of life. So they are the real heroes.
MOLLY BLOOM: So true. And Elsa, how about you? Any shout-outs?
ELSA: My parents, all of my friends, and the whole Brains On, Smash Boom Best team.
MOLLY BLOOM: Well, before we go, let's check in and see who Bridgette thinks should win the muffins versus cupcakes debate.
BRIDGETTE: I think that muffin should win since they have a little less sugar, and cupcakes have a lot of extra sugar for frosting. No, sorry.
MOLLY BLOOM: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock down, drag out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. To see Elsa's score sheet, look for Smash Boom Best on Instagram and make sure to subscribe to Brains On Universe on YouTube where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes. We'll be back with a new Smash Boom Best debate battle next week.
ALL: Bye.
SINGERS: (SINGING)Oh, yeah, the Smash Boom Best
Oh, put it through the test
Oh, yeah, the Smash Boom Best
Oh, better than the rest
It's a Smash Boom Best
It's a Smash Boom Best
MOLLY BLOOM: Oy vey.
[LAUGHTER]
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