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RSSToday’s debate is a mouthwatering showdown between a colorful sweet treat and the goon of legumes. Put your hands together because it’s Jelly Beans vs. Beans! We’ve got actor and writer Mike Cabellon here to fight for Team Beans and comedian and photographer Ali Horman is here to defend the colorful confection for Team Jelly Beans! Who will be crowned the Smash Boom Best? Vote below for the team YOU think won!
Also… do you have your Smarty Pass yet? Get yours today for just $5/month (or $45/year) and get bonus episodes every month, and ad-free versions of every episode of Brains On, Smash Boom Best, Moment of Um and Forever Ago. Visit www.smartypass.org to get your Smarty Pass today. As an added bonus, your Smarty Pass will grant you access to a super special debate starring Sanden and Molly!
Audio Transcript
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MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: From the brains behind Brains On, it's Smash, Boom, Best.
RILEY: The show for people with big opinions.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Hi, I'm Aron Woldeslassie filling in for Molly Bloom. And this is Smash, Boom, Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate is a mouthwatering showdown between a colorful sweet treat and the goon of legumes.
Put your hands together because it's jelly beans versus beans. We've got actor and writer Mike Cabellon here to fight for team beans.
MIKE CABELLON: Beans, beans, they're good for your belly. They're better than beans that are made out of jelly.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And comedian and photographer Ali Hormann is here to defend the colorful confection for Team Jelly Beans.
ALI HORMANN: I'm here for the colors of the rainbow and the flavors of the world because jelly beans rule and smelly beans drool.
MIKE CABELLON: Oh, ho, ho.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And here to judge it all is, Riley from Columbia, Maryland. Riley loves to sing, solve crossword puzzles, and she's performed on Broadway. Hi, Riley.
RILEY: Hey.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: So, Riley, tell us how you ended up on Broadway.
RILEY: So in, Columbia, I'm part of a singing-acting theatre group called the Young Columbians. And a couple of years ago, we were selected out of seven other groups across the nation to travel to New York and perform in the Arts for Autism benefit concert. We sang a medley from the musical Hair, and then performed with the other groups in an opening and closing number, and also did workshops around the city.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Wow, that's really impressive. You mentioned you like crossword puzzles.
RILEY: Mm-hmm.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: When did you start solving those?
RILEY: Probably within this year. I'd just like to wake up on the weekends, and I do the Saturday and the Sunday on The Washington Post. And then if I have time during the rest of the week, I do the other ones.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh, Wow. Any words of advice for our debaters?
RILEY: I guess, be yourselves. And I like to take notes. So I will be taking notes. And yeah, I'm excited.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Will Riley side with Mike or Ali? Only time will tell. But first--
RILEY: Smash, Boom, Best is a nonprofit public radio program.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: That's right, Riley, which means we rely on support from our listeners to keep the show going. There are lots of ways you can support the show.
RILEY: You can donate, become a Smarty Pass subscriber, or buy our merch.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Like a Smash, Boom, Best hoodie, pencil pouch or keychain.
RILEY: Head to smashboom.org to show your support. And thanks.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Now, on to the rules. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six. After each round, our judge will award points to the team that impresses her the most. But she'll keep her decisions top secret until the end of the debate.
Listeners, we want you to judge, too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. OK, Mike, Ali, and Riley, are you ready?
ALI HORMANN: Absolutely. Yup.
MIKE CABELLON: Born ready, baby.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Perfect. Then it's time for the--
ANNOUNCER: Declaration of Greatness.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin, and Mike, you're up first. Tell us why we should give a hoot over the magical fruit that is the bean.
MIKE CABELLON: I could start my argument by telling you all about beans, but why don't we hear a story instead? We all know Jack and the Beanstalk. It begins with Jack on his way to the market.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[MOOING]
BEANMONGER: Pardon me. You there, young boy. What be your name, lad?
JACK: Uh, Jack. And this is my old cow, Bessie.
[BESSIE MOOS]
BEANMONGER: Hmm. And what brings you to this part of the forest?
JACK: Well, you see, sir, my mother and I, we're very poor. So my mother sent me to the market to sell Bessie here.
[BESSIE MOOS]
BEANMONGER: Hmm. You won't get much for that old cow at the market. I, on the other hand, would be willing to take her off your hands. Now, I haven't a gold coin to spare, but what I can offer is worth more than any precious stone or currency. What I am offering you is--
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
--five magic beans.
JACK: Wow!
BEANMONGER: These are no ordinary beans, boy. These beans are magical. And when you plant them--
[JACK MUNCHES]
[JACK BURPS]
You just ate-- you just ate the beans.
[JACK BURPS]
JACK: Yep. Delicious and nutritious. Thanks. Here's your cow. See ya.
MIKE CABELLON: OK, so maybe that's not how Jack and the Beanstalk actually went, but it could have because Jack knew beans are good and good for you. They're chock full of fiber, protein, potassium, copper, folic acid, iron, magnesium, and vitamin B6. They can even help protect against heart disease, lower cholesterol, and lower blood sugar.
In fact, beans are so good for you that they're one of the only foods the US Department of Agriculture considers both a vegetable and a protein.
SPEAKER 1: Vegetables. Beans are vegetables.
SPEAKER 2: nonsense. Beans are a protein.
SPEAKER 1: because they're full of protein doesn't make them a protein. If you ate a bunch of beans, I wouldn't call you a bean.
SPEAKER 2: Your brain is a bunch of beans if you think anything that grows is automatically a vegetable. What about flowers?
SPEAKER 3: Enough, you two. There's no time to argue. Beans are both a protein and a vegetable.
MIKE CABELLON: On top of being good for you, beans are just plain good. With over 10,000 varieties, beans can taste like anything. In Asia, sweetened red beans are commonly used in desserts. In the Middle East, garbanzo beans are ground up and turned into hummus. In the UK, some people eat beans on toast for breakfast.
Whether they're sweet or savory, bean recipes show up in just about every country on earth. Another great thing about beans is that they're cheap, easy to cook, and they last a long time without expiring. For literal cents on the dollar, you can stock your pantry with dry or canned beans and have a nutritious meal ready to go, even in the toughest situations.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
SPEAKER 4: Not only is it the zombie apocalypse, but I'm starving!
SPEAKER 5: Don't worry, I have this pantry full of beans!
SPEAKER 4: Oh, we're saved!
SPEAKER 5: Yeah. Well, from hunger, I mean. There's still a horde of angry zombies out there.
SPEAKER 4: Oh, right.
[DOOR CRUMBLES]
ZOMBIE: Brains! [GROANS]
[SCREAMING]
MIKE CABELLON: OK, so beans can't solve all your problems, but they'll definitely keep you going. Beans are packed full of nutrients, and they're one of the most versatile ingredients in the kitchen. I've got to agree with Jack here. Magical or not, beans are the best.
[BESSIE MOOS]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: That might be one of the best Declarations of Greatness that's ever bean.
[LAUGHTER]
Riley, what stood out to you about Mike's Declaration of Greatness?
RILEY: I liked that part where it was talking about how beans are both veggies and proteins, and it was kind of a debate within a debate. I thought that was really funny.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh, wow, you're absolutely right. That's very meta. I really like that. OK, Ali, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why the bean is so mean. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
ALI HORMANN: I love the idea that beans are healthy, but none of that sounded like any fun. Are you kidding me? Chaos giant, zombie apocalypse? All of that is not anything good you're ushering into the world. Not to mention, beans make you stink. And if you want something that's full of fiber and vitamins, you can have potatoes. And those, you can mash them, stick them in a stew. You know, the way you should.
I really think that beans should be colorful and fun and not just boring.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And time.
MIKE CABELLON: Wow. Wow. Beans make you stink? Well, at least beans don't make you tired like jelly beans do. That sugar crash after you have a handful of jelly beans? No, thank you. I'll take regular beans any day.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ooh, good point. OK, it's your turn, Ali. Tell us why jelly beans are more than just an Easter treat.
ALI HORMANN: Once upon a time, it was the Easter Bunny's first day on the job.
[BUNNY HOPPING]
And he had no idea what he was doing.
EASTER BUNNY: I don't want to get fired like the Flag Day Flamingo and the Halloween Hippo. I got to put something amazing in these kids' Easter baskets. But what? Pebbles? Rubber bands?
ALI HORMANN: He opened his cupboard.
EASTER BUNNY: Well, maybe beans?
ALI HORMANN: It was the best idea he could come up with. So that night, he opened a bunch of cans and hopped around, slopping the beans into kids' baskets.
[BUNNY HOPPING]
In the morning, when the kids awoke, a giant cry erupted.
[CHILDREN WEEPING]
EASTER BUNNY: Shoot! Nobody liked my beans.
ALI HORMANN: But the parents forced their kids to eat them. And then a few hours later, a different sound erupted.
[CHILDREN FARTING]
The smell was outrageous.
CHILD: Darn you, Easter bunny!
PARENT: Beans are horrible! We hate beans!
ALI HORMANN: The Easter Bunny felt bad.
EASTER BUNNY: If only there was a bean that tasted amazing and didn't make you fart. [GASPS] Hold up. There is. Jelly beans!
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
ALI HORMANN: So next Easter, he tried out his idea. And when the children awoke.
CHILD: OMG, thank you, Easter Bunny! I love jelly beans. They're so much better than beans.
ALI HORMANN: The bunny kept his job and cried tears of Joy.
[EASTER BUNNY WEEPS JOYFULLY]
EASTER BUNNY: I love you, jelly beans!
ALI HORMANN: The end. Jelly beans, they're sweet, they're fun. You can share them with your friends and play games like, guess how many jelly beans are in that jar? Or guess that flavor?
Or you can close your eyes, pop a jelly bean in your mouth, and try and figure out what you're tasting.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Hmm!
ALI HORMANN: You can also use jelly beans to make shiny, colorful art. I've seen amazing jelly bean portraits of everyone from Harry Potter to Elvis. And sure, you can use regular beans for some of these activities, but those drab colors don't inspire fun. Jelly beans bring people together. Beans push them apart.
[FARTING]
SPEAKER 5: Eww! Don't come near me!
ALI HORMANN: If you like sweet, predictable goodness, stick with the classic flavors-- cherry, root beer, cream soda, tangerine, green apple, lemon, licorice, and grape. If you're a thrill seeker, dive into a bag of more adventurous tastes.
There are over 100 flavors to choose from, from toasted marshmallow to limeade, to rotten egg, to barf. Jelly beans are a flavor adventure. Meanwhile, regular beans need help to taste like anything at all.
[MUNCHING]
SPEAKER 5: Ugh! These beans are bland. Pass the salt. Or even better, pass the jelly beans!
ALI HORMANN: Jelly beans have also been enjoyed in some seriously surprising places. For example, some say they were first enjoyed by soldiers during the Civil War.
[CANNON FIRE]
SPEAKER 6: Need a boost? Celebrate your strength and vigor with jelly beans.
ALI HORMANN: They've also been enjoyed by astronauts in outer space.
ASTRONAUT: I never thought being an astronaut could get any cooler until I started eating jelly beans in space. [CHUCKLES] Watch me catch them in my mouth as I float.
[ASTRONAUT MUNCHES JELLY BEANS]
[CHUCKLES]
ALI HORMANN: And if that wasn't enough, just look at them. When I grab a handful, It's like holding a rainbow in my palm-- neon pink and grass green, pumpkin orange, and robin's egg blue. They're a vision to behold.
Jelly beans are sweet and gorgeous. They bring people together, and they're a flavor packed adventure. No wonder they've been snacked on in space and cherished by children. Plus, they rescued the Easter Bunny from a professional disgrace. Right, Bun Bun?
[BUNNY HOPPING]
EASTER BUNNY: Yes, ma'am. Jelly beans saved my tuchus. Now, I don't know what to do with all these cans of regular beans. You want some, Ali?
ALI HORMANN: No, no, no, I'll stick to jelly beans. Thank you.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: What a gaseous Declaration of Greatness. So, Riley, what did you think about Ali's Declaration of Greatness? Any moments in her argument really stand out?
RILEY: I just keep thinking about how she mentioned the rotten egg jelly bean because I've had that when I played that game with my cousins, where the two beans are the same color, but one of them tastes good and one of them tastes bad.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, I'll take your word for it. That sounds like a lot of fun.
[RILEY LAUGHS]
OK, Mike, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why jelly beans are candy for no dandy. You've got 30 seconds. And go.
MIKE CABELLON: Pew! OK, here we go. So your first argument is that jelly beans are good for Easter. Uh, what about everyone else on earth who doesn't celebrate Easter? You know who can enjoy regular beans? Jewish people, Muslim people, atheists, agnostics, everyone else on earth.
OK, so you can play bean games with jelly beans. You can play all that stuff with beans, too. Same with the taste test, making a collage. You said that regular beans have drab colors. We got red beans. We got black beans. We got white beans. We got green beans. You name a color, we got a bean for it.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And time. Wow.
MIKE CABELLON: I had more. I had more. I could have kept going.
ALI HORMANN: I just think that Mike needs to up his level of whimsy in his life. And less-- less concrete and more in the clouds.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: All right, Riley, give 1 point to the Declaration of Greatness you liked best and 1 point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you giggle? Was another team's logic impeccable? Award your points, but don't tell us who it's going to.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Excellent. Ali and Mike, how are you two feeling so far?
ALI HORMANN: Confident.
MIKE CABELLON: Ooh, I'm-- if you could see me right now, I'd be cracking my knuckles.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ooh, I like that. Confident and cracking one's knuckles. OK, it's time for a quick break. Look for the Easter Bunny and frugal old man.
RILEY: And we'll be right back with more Smash, Boom, Best.
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: You're listening to State of Debate, home to raging rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Splish, splash, it's me, Taylor Lincoln, alongside my sparkling clean bud, Todd Douglas. Say, is that a pair of vacuum cleaners you're holding above your head, Todd?
TODD DOUGLAS: Hi, Taylor. It sure is. I use two so that I can clean the ceiling at lightning speed. Phew! Now, the only thing left is my double-handed, super-spinning, full-room mopping.
[WHIRRING]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: I love to clean, too. But instead of rooms, I like to clean up bad arguments, especially when there are logical fallacies in the mix.
TODD DOUGLAS: Oh, a logical fallacy. That's when someone makes a bad argument that's easy to defeat.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It is. And the other day, I overheard a real messy one. Let's take a listen.
WAITER: Hi. Welcome to Sergeant Sloppy's Sloptacular Slopsterant. Our food is sloppy and rude. Can I please take your order?
CUSTOMER: Yes. I'll have the chili cheese slop dog, extra slop sauce, with a side of slop fries. But hold the onions, please.
WAITER: Anything else?
CUSTOMER: Do you think I could get some extra napkins with this? I mean, it feels like it might get kind of sloppy.
WAITER: Ooh, no can do.
CUSTOMER: No extra napkins? But why not?
WAITER: If I give you more paper napkins, then everyone will want extra napkins. And then they might have to cut down whole forests to make more. And there wouldn't be any more trees in the world. So I'm sorry, I have to say no to extra napkins.
[BUZZER]
TODD DOUGLAS: Whoa, clean-up in the debate aisle.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Indeedamundo, Todd, old pal. That was a real sloppy argument.
TODD DOUGLAS: That cashier was using the slippery slope fallacy. That's where someone claims that a small action will lead to a huge outcome.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It's messy because it exaggerates what might happen without any evidence.
TODD DOUGLAS: Well, I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm suddenly craving slop dogs.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Me too. Let's not get them to go, though. I wouldn't want to get any on this newly cleaned ceiling.
TODD DOUGLAS: Thanks. We'll see you next time on--
TODD AND TAYLOR: State Of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SPEAKER 7: Brains On! Universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash, Boom, Best, you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on, let's explore.
[AIRPLANE FLYING]
ALIEN: Its Alien Exercise Hour! Hi-ya. Hoo-ha! While I stretch my snoodles and bounce on my trampoline, I'll listen to a new podcast. [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
I'm going to try Brains On! The best science podcast ever.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
SPEAKER 8: It's starting! Yay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
SPEAKER 9: Hello and welcome to Pop Planet, the only show that gets you up close and personal with space. I'm your host, star, Eden--
ALIEN: Zorp! Come back here, Podcast. Must listen to Brains On! Now!
SPEAKER 7: Listen to Brains On! wherever you get your podcasts.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Best
Boom
Smash
Smash Boom
Best
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: You're listening to Smash, Boom, Best. I'm your host, Aron Woldeslassie.
RILEY: And I'm your judge, Riley.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this debate idea from Bethany.
BETHANY: My name is Bethany from Tennessee. My idea for a battle is Nerf guns versus water guns.
RILEY: Let's give this debate a shot.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Bethany thinks should win.
RILEY: And now it's back to our debate, jelly beans versus beans.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: That's right. And it's time for round two, the--
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: Micro Round.
[DING]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: For the Micro Round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. For Mike and Ali, the prompt was short story. We asked you two to write a short story about your side. Mike went first last time. So Ali, you're up. Tell us a tale about your tiny treat.
[FOOTSTEPS]
TRAVELER: Oh, look, a bridge. I'll just skip across here and--
FAIRY: Hello there. I'm a bridge fairy, and you must answer my riddle before you can pass.
TRAVELER: Shouldn't you be a troll?
FAIRY: Do I look like a troll to you?
TRAVELER: No, sorry. So the riddle?
FAIRY: Oh, yeah. What takes three weeks to create but seconds to destroy? Its countless colors and flavors have brought 150 years of joy.
TRAVELER: No clue. Did you just hit me with jelly beans?
FAIRY: Yes, because that's the answer-- jelly beans. They take weeks to make. Come with me on a magical, rainbow-flavored journey to learn more.
TRAVELER: Do I have to?
FAIRY: If you don't, I will turn you into a can of beans.
TRAVELER: Harsh but fair.
[POOF]
FAIRY: We start in commercial kitchens, where food scientists stir together sugar, water, fruit pectin, and flavoring to cook for almost 12 hours.
TRAVELER: Shouldn't there be magical creatures or something?
FAIRY: What, like Sasquatch in a hairnet? [LAUGHS] Come on, this is modern candy making.
TRAVELER: Ah, Good. Point.
FAIRY: [SIGHS] Next, the sugar mix is poured carefully into molds of cornstarch so they can dry for 24 to 72 hours to make the chewy center.
TRAVELER: That's my favorite part.
FAIRY: Dude, same. Next, the jelly bean centers come to rotating drums, where they are tumbled and coated in colors and more flavor. This is how you get the crunchy outsides.
TRAVELER: Wow. So much goes into making these tiny, delicious beans. I feel like such a garbanzo for not knowing this.
FAIRY: They are carefully crafted treats that take seconds to eat. OK, now you can cross the bridge, but watch out for trolls.
TRAVELER: Cool. Wait. Trolls?
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: What a fairy tale. Mike, now it's your turn. Tell us your bean-filled story.
MIKE CABELLON: Once upon a time, there was a bean who really wanted to be a jelly bean. He was so jealous of how jelly beans always got passed out at Halloween and how everybody seemed to love them. "I'm just a plain old bean," he lamented.
So one day he visited a wizard chef. He said, oh, Wizard Chef, will you please turn me into a jelly bean? The chef thought for a moment, then said, "Yes, just soak yourself in this magical pot of water for three days and three nights. And when you awaken, you'll have everything you desire."
So the bean hopped into the pot and fell into a deep slumber. And when he awoke, he felt different. He felt like a butterfly ready to emerge from its cocoon. He was practically leaping with excitement to show off his new jelly bean form. And sure enough, when he climbed out of the pot, he was the talk of the town. Everybody loved him. Everybody wanted a taste.
For the first time in his life, he felt popular. He had finally gotten everything he ever wanted. But when he passed a mirror, he saw that he wasn't a jelly bean at all. "Where's my brightly colored candy coating?" he shouted in horror. He was still just a regular bean.
So he asked the wizard chef, "Why did you lie to me?" The chef laughed and replied, "I didn't lie to you, little bean. Don't you see? You had it inside of you all along. You don't need to be a jelly bean to be loved. You're nutritious, versatile, and perfect just the way you are."
And so the bean smiled and lived happily ever after. The end.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh my goodness. What a tasty tale. Thank you so much. OK, Riley, what did you like about Mike and Ali's micro rounds?
RILEY: I don't know, they were really fun. I liked about the jelly beans one, I liked how it talked about the creation of the jelly beans. I thought that was really cool. And then in the beans one, I just very much empathized with that bean character, that lonely little bean. I thought that was a very nice story.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Sure, sure.
MIKE CABELLON: We can all relate to the lonely little bean.
RILEY: Exactly.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: It's time to award a point. But don't tell us who you're voting for.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Riley, have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Fantastic. Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy-- ha, hoo, ha!
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: Sneak Attack!
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: This is our improvised round, where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's sneak attack is called 3, 2, 1, List Off! In this challenge, Ali and Mike go back and forth, listing off different varieties of flavors of jelly beans and beans until one of them runs out of ideas.
We'll give you to the count of three to come up with something. If you can't say something before time runs out, game over. Does that make sense?
ALI HORMANN: Yes.
MIKE CABELLON: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Perfect. Ali went first in our last round. So, Mike, you'll kick it off. So on your mark, get set, go!
MIKE CABELLON: Pinto beans.
ALI HORMANN: Grape.
MIKE CABELLON: Chickpeas.
ALI HORMANN: Cherry.
MIKE CABELLON: Soybeans.
ALI HORMANN: Buttered popcorn.
MIKE CABELLON: Black-eyed peas.
ALI HORMANN: Root beer float.
MIKE CABELLON: Broad beans.
ALI HORMANN: Earwax.
[LAUGHTER]
MIKE CABELLON: That's not real! OK, OK, OK. Cannellini beans.
ALI HORMANN: Lime.
MIKE CABELLON: Black beans.
ALI HORMANN: Blueberry.
[SNICKERING]
MIKE CABELLON: Butter beans.
ALI HORMANN: Cotton candy.
MIKE CABELLON: Kidney beans.
ALI HORMANN: Lemon-lime.
MIKE CABELLON: Borlotti beans.
ALI HORMANN: Barf.
[SNICKERING]
MIKE CABELLON: Gigantes.
ALI HORMANN: Um, sour apple.
MIKE CABELLON: Uh, Lima beans.
ALI HORMANN: Limeade.
MIKE CABELLON: Um, lentils. Lentils are beans.
ALI HORMANN: Licorice.
MIKE CABELLON: Uh, Anasazi beans.
ALI HORMANN: Tangerine.
MIKE CABELLON: Uh, Garbanzos? Did I already say that one?
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, you did. That's game.
MIKE CABELLON: Ah!
ALI HORMANN: Yes!
MIKE CABELLON: Wow. Wow. I really thought I had that one in the bag.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, you guys were going back and forth.
RILEY: That was impressive.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ali, I gotta say, I really thought you were scraping the bottom of the barrel when you said barf.
ALI HORMANN: I was trying to find things that would throw Mike off his game.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Sure, sure.
MIKE CABELLON: Barf really did it.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, barf will really throw you off your game. All right, Riley, think about which side impressed you the most and award your fourth point. But don't tell us who you're giving it to.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Perfect. Then it's time for our final round.
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: The Final Six.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. All right, Ali, let's hear your six words that prove jelly beans are the sweet treat that can't be beat.
ALI HORMANN: Slow and steady wins the taste.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Lovely. OK, Mike, it's your turn. Give us your six words proving the power of beans.
MIKE CABELLON: Beans are actual food, not chemicals.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ooh, a thinker. I like that. OK, it's time to award a point for the Final Six.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Riley, have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Are you ready to crown one team the Smash, Boom, Best?
RILEY: Yes, I am.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Drum roll, please. And the winner is--
RILEY: Beans.
[FANFARE PLAYS]
MIKE CABELLON: Yes, yes!
ALI HORMANN: Riley.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Wow. Wow.
RILEY: Sorry.
MIKE CABELLON: I really thought I lost it there with the back and forth, but I'm glad we prevailed today.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh my gosh. So, Riley, was there a moment that decided things for you?
RILEY: I don't know if there was one moment. It was kind of split. It was 3-2 in the points.
MIKE CABELLON: Wow.
ALI HORMANN: Wow.
MIKE CABELLON: Right down to the wire.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Wait, what was the final point?
RILEY: The final point went to jelly beans for the Final Six. Mike, I really appreciated the effort you put into not only knowing your beans, but knowing the value of them.
MIKE CABELLON: That's very kind of you. Thank you. Ali, I think you're right. I do need a little bit more whimsy in my life, a little less concrete, a little more head in the clouds. So thank you for encouraging me to reach higher.
ALI HORMANN: Any time.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And that's it for today's debate battle. Riley crowned beans the Smash, Boom, Best. But what about you?
RILEY: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Smash, Boom, Best is brought to you by Brains On! and APM Studios. It's produced by me, Aron Woldeslassie.
MOLLY BLOOM: Molly Bloom.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And--
ANNA WEGGEL: Anna Weggel.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: We had engineering help from Evan Clark, Jake Cherry, and Vince Armstrong, with sound design by me. Our editors are--
SHAHLA FARZAN: Shahla Farzan.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And--
SANDEN TOTTEN: Sanden Totten.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: With fact checking by--
REBECCA RAND: Rebecca Rand.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And--
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On! Universe team.
ROSIE DUPONT: Rosie DuPont.
RACHEL BREES: Rachel Brees.
ANNA GOLDFIELD: Anna Goldfield.
NICO GONZALEZ WISLER: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN HUMPERT: Lauren Humpert.
JOSHUA RAY: Joshua Ray.
REBECCA RAND: Rebecca Rand.
MARC SANCHEZ: Marc Sanchez and--
CHARLOTTE TRAVER: Charlotte Traver.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman and the APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto, and we want to give a special thanks to Luna, Lulu, Austin Cross, and Taylor Kaufman.
Mike, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?
MIKE CABELLON: I would like to shout out the inspiration for the voice of the bean in my short story and the best dog in the whole world, Cosmo.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aww. How about you, Ali? Any shout-outs?
ALI HORMANN: I would like to shout out my three sons, Soren, Jude, and Axel, and also Caleb and Maya [? Gui ?] who listen to this podcast with us.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And do you want to give any special thanks, Riley?
RILEY: I'd like to thank my family and special shout-out to the cast of Legally Blonde at my high school.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aww, that's so sweet. Before we go, let's check in and see who Bethany thinks should win the Nerf gun versus watergun debate.
BETHANY: I think Nerf guns would win because you don't have to have a water source.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock-down, drag-out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. And make sure to subscribe to Brains On! Universe on YouTube, where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes.
We'll be back with a new Smash, Boom, Best debate next week. Forts versus puzzles. Bye-bye.
RILEY: See you later.
MIKE CABELLON: Goodbye.
ALI HORMANN: Bye.
(SINGING) Ooh,
You're the Smash, Boom, Best
Ooh, put you through the test
Ooh, you're the Smash, Boom, Best
Ooh, better than the rest
You're the Smash, Boom, Best
You're the Smash, Boom, Best
[CHILDREN FARTING]
RILEY: The show for people with big opinions.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Hi, I'm Aron Woldeslassie filling in for Molly Bloom. And this is Smash, Boom, Best, the show where we take two things, smash them together, and ask you to decide which one is best. Today's debate is a mouthwatering showdown between a colorful sweet treat and the goon of legumes.
Put your hands together because it's jelly beans versus beans. We've got actor and writer Mike Cabellon here to fight for team beans.
MIKE CABELLON: Beans, beans, they're good for your belly. They're better than beans that are made out of jelly.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And comedian and photographer Ali Hormann is here to defend the colorful confection for Team Jelly Beans.
ALI HORMANN: I'm here for the colors of the rainbow and the flavors of the world because jelly beans rule and smelly beans drool.
MIKE CABELLON: Oh, ho, ho.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And here to judge it all is, Riley from Columbia, Maryland. Riley loves to sing, solve crossword puzzles, and she's performed on Broadway. Hi, Riley.
RILEY: Hey.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: So, Riley, tell us how you ended up on Broadway.
RILEY: So in, Columbia, I'm part of a singing-acting theatre group called the Young Columbians. And a couple of years ago, we were selected out of seven other groups across the nation to travel to New York and perform in the Arts for Autism benefit concert. We sang a medley from the musical Hair, and then performed with the other groups in an opening and closing number, and also did workshops around the city.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Wow, that's really impressive. You mentioned you like crossword puzzles.
RILEY: Mm-hmm.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: When did you start solving those?
RILEY: Probably within this year. I'd just like to wake up on the weekends, and I do the Saturday and the Sunday on The Washington Post. And then if I have time during the rest of the week, I do the other ones.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh, Wow. Any words of advice for our debaters?
RILEY: I guess, be yourselves. And I like to take notes. So I will be taking notes. And yeah, I'm excited.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Will Riley side with Mike or Ali? Only time will tell. But first--
RILEY: Smash, Boom, Best is a nonprofit public radio program.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: That's right, Riley, which means we rely on support from our listeners to keep the show going. There are lots of ways you can support the show.
RILEY: You can donate, become a Smarty Pass subscriber, or buy our merch.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Like a Smash, Boom, Best hoodie, pencil pouch or keychain.
RILEY: Head to smashboom.org to show your support. And thanks.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Now, on to the rules. Every debate consists of four rounds, the Declaration of Greatness, the Micro Round, the Sneak Attack, and the Final Six. After each round, our judge will award points to the team that impresses her the most. But she'll keep her decisions top secret until the end of the debate.
Listeners, we want you to judge, too. Mark down your points as you listen. At the end of the show, head to our website, smashboom.org, and vote for whichever team you think won. OK, Mike, Ali, and Riley, are you ready?
ALI HORMANN: Absolutely. Yup.
MIKE CABELLON: Born ready, baby.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Perfect. Then it's time for the--
ANNOUNCER: Declaration of Greatness.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: In this round, our debaters will present a well-crafted, immersive argument in favor of their side. Then they'll have 30 seconds to rebut their opponent's statements. We flipped a coin, and Mike, you're up first. Tell us why we should give a hoot over the magical fruit that is the bean.
MIKE CABELLON: I could start my argument by telling you all about beans, but why don't we hear a story instead? We all know Jack and the Beanstalk. It begins with Jack on his way to the market.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[MOOING]
BEANMONGER: Pardon me. You there, young boy. What be your name, lad?
JACK: Uh, Jack. And this is my old cow, Bessie.
[BESSIE MOOS]
BEANMONGER: Hmm. And what brings you to this part of the forest?
JACK: Well, you see, sir, my mother and I, we're very poor. So my mother sent me to the market to sell Bessie here.
[BESSIE MOOS]
BEANMONGER: Hmm. You won't get much for that old cow at the market. I, on the other hand, would be willing to take her off your hands. Now, I haven't a gold coin to spare, but what I can offer is worth more than any precious stone or currency. What I am offering you is--
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
--five magic beans.
JACK: Wow!
BEANMONGER: These are no ordinary beans, boy. These beans are magical. And when you plant them--
[JACK MUNCHES]
[JACK BURPS]
You just ate-- you just ate the beans.
[JACK BURPS]
JACK: Yep. Delicious and nutritious. Thanks. Here's your cow. See ya.
MIKE CABELLON: OK, so maybe that's not how Jack and the Beanstalk actually went, but it could have because Jack knew beans are good and good for you. They're chock full of fiber, protein, potassium, copper, folic acid, iron, magnesium, and vitamin B6. They can even help protect against heart disease, lower cholesterol, and lower blood sugar.
In fact, beans are so good for you that they're one of the only foods the US Department of Agriculture considers both a vegetable and a protein.
SPEAKER 1: Vegetables. Beans are vegetables.
SPEAKER 2: nonsense. Beans are a protein.
SPEAKER 1: because they're full of protein doesn't make them a protein. If you ate a bunch of beans, I wouldn't call you a bean.
SPEAKER 2: Your brain is a bunch of beans if you think anything that grows is automatically a vegetable. What about flowers?
SPEAKER 3: Enough, you two. There's no time to argue. Beans are both a protein and a vegetable.
MIKE CABELLON: On top of being good for you, beans are just plain good. With over 10,000 varieties, beans can taste like anything. In Asia, sweetened red beans are commonly used in desserts. In the Middle East, garbanzo beans are ground up and turned into hummus. In the UK, some people eat beans on toast for breakfast.
Whether they're sweet or savory, bean recipes show up in just about every country on earth. Another great thing about beans is that they're cheap, easy to cook, and they last a long time without expiring. For literal cents on the dollar, you can stock your pantry with dry or canned beans and have a nutritious meal ready to go, even in the toughest situations.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
SPEAKER 4: Not only is it the zombie apocalypse, but I'm starving!
SPEAKER 5: Don't worry, I have this pantry full of beans!
SPEAKER 4: Oh, we're saved!
SPEAKER 5: Yeah. Well, from hunger, I mean. There's still a horde of angry zombies out there.
SPEAKER 4: Oh, right.
[DOOR CRUMBLES]
ZOMBIE: Brains! [GROANS]
[SCREAMING]
MIKE CABELLON: OK, so beans can't solve all your problems, but they'll definitely keep you going. Beans are packed full of nutrients, and they're one of the most versatile ingredients in the kitchen. I've got to agree with Jack here. Magical or not, beans are the best.
[BESSIE MOOS]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: That might be one of the best Declarations of Greatness that's ever bean.
[LAUGHTER]
Riley, what stood out to you about Mike's Declaration of Greatness?
RILEY: I liked that part where it was talking about how beans are both veggies and proteins, and it was kind of a debate within a debate. I thought that was really funny.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh, wow, you're absolutely right. That's very meta. I really like that. OK, Ali, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why the bean is so mean. You've got 30 seconds, and your time starts now.
ALI HORMANN: I love the idea that beans are healthy, but none of that sounded like any fun. Are you kidding me? Chaos giant, zombie apocalypse? All of that is not anything good you're ushering into the world. Not to mention, beans make you stink. And if you want something that's full of fiber and vitamins, you can have potatoes. And those, you can mash them, stick them in a stew. You know, the way you should.
I really think that beans should be colorful and fun and not just boring.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And time.
MIKE CABELLON: Wow. Wow. Beans make you stink? Well, at least beans don't make you tired like jelly beans do. That sugar crash after you have a handful of jelly beans? No, thank you. I'll take regular beans any day.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ooh, good point. OK, it's your turn, Ali. Tell us why jelly beans are more than just an Easter treat.
ALI HORMANN: Once upon a time, it was the Easter Bunny's first day on the job.
[BUNNY HOPPING]
And he had no idea what he was doing.
EASTER BUNNY: I don't want to get fired like the Flag Day Flamingo and the Halloween Hippo. I got to put something amazing in these kids' Easter baskets. But what? Pebbles? Rubber bands?
ALI HORMANN: He opened his cupboard.
EASTER BUNNY: Well, maybe beans?
ALI HORMANN: It was the best idea he could come up with. So that night, he opened a bunch of cans and hopped around, slopping the beans into kids' baskets.
[BUNNY HOPPING]
In the morning, when the kids awoke, a giant cry erupted.
[CHILDREN WEEPING]
EASTER BUNNY: Shoot! Nobody liked my beans.
ALI HORMANN: But the parents forced their kids to eat them. And then a few hours later, a different sound erupted.
[CHILDREN FARTING]
The smell was outrageous.
CHILD: Darn you, Easter bunny!
PARENT: Beans are horrible! We hate beans!
ALI HORMANN: The Easter Bunny felt bad.
EASTER BUNNY: If only there was a bean that tasted amazing and didn't make you fart. [GASPS] Hold up. There is. Jelly beans!
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
ALI HORMANN: So next Easter, he tried out his idea. And when the children awoke.
CHILD: OMG, thank you, Easter Bunny! I love jelly beans. They're so much better than beans.
ALI HORMANN: The bunny kept his job and cried tears of Joy.
[EASTER BUNNY WEEPS JOYFULLY]
EASTER BUNNY: I love you, jelly beans!
ALI HORMANN: The end. Jelly beans, they're sweet, they're fun. You can share them with your friends and play games like, guess how many jelly beans are in that jar? Or guess that flavor?
Or you can close your eyes, pop a jelly bean in your mouth, and try and figure out what you're tasting.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Hmm!
ALI HORMANN: You can also use jelly beans to make shiny, colorful art. I've seen amazing jelly bean portraits of everyone from Harry Potter to Elvis. And sure, you can use regular beans for some of these activities, but those drab colors don't inspire fun. Jelly beans bring people together. Beans push them apart.
[FARTING]
SPEAKER 5: Eww! Don't come near me!
ALI HORMANN: If you like sweet, predictable goodness, stick with the classic flavors-- cherry, root beer, cream soda, tangerine, green apple, lemon, licorice, and grape. If you're a thrill seeker, dive into a bag of more adventurous tastes.
There are over 100 flavors to choose from, from toasted marshmallow to limeade, to rotten egg, to barf. Jelly beans are a flavor adventure. Meanwhile, regular beans need help to taste like anything at all.
[MUNCHING]
SPEAKER 5: Ugh! These beans are bland. Pass the salt. Or even better, pass the jelly beans!
ALI HORMANN: Jelly beans have also been enjoyed in some seriously surprising places. For example, some say they were first enjoyed by soldiers during the Civil War.
[CANNON FIRE]
SPEAKER 6: Need a boost? Celebrate your strength and vigor with jelly beans.
ALI HORMANN: They've also been enjoyed by astronauts in outer space.
ASTRONAUT: I never thought being an astronaut could get any cooler until I started eating jelly beans in space. [CHUCKLES] Watch me catch them in my mouth as I float.
[ASTRONAUT MUNCHES JELLY BEANS]
[CHUCKLES]
ALI HORMANN: And if that wasn't enough, just look at them. When I grab a handful, It's like holding a rainbow in my palm-- neon pink and grass green, pumpkin orange, and robin's egg blue. They're a vision to behold.
Jelly beans are sweet and gorgeous. They bring people together, and they're a flavor packed adventure. No wonder they've been snacked on in space and cherished by children. Plus, they rescued the Easter Bunny from a professional disgrace. Right, Bun Bun?
[BUNNY HOPPING]
EASTER BUNNY: Yes, ma'am. Jelly beans saved my tuchus. Now, I don't know what to do with all these cans of regular beans. You want some, Ali?
ALI HORMANN: No, no, no, I'll stick to jelly beans. Thank you.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: What a gaseous Declaration of Greatness. So, Riley, what did you think about Ali's Declaration of Greatness? Any moments in her argument really stand out?
RILEY: I just keep thinking about how she mentioned the rotten egg jelly bean because I've had that when I played that game with my cousins, where the two beans are the same color, but one of them tastes good and one of them tastes bad.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, I'll take your word for it. That sounds like a lot of fun.
[RILEY LAUGHS]
OK, Mike, it's time for your rebuttal. Tell us why jelly beans are candy for no dandy. You've got 30 seconds. And go.
MIKE CABELLON: Pew! OK, here we go. So your first argument is that jelly beans are good for Easter. Uh, what about everyone else on earth who doesn't celebrate Easter? You know who can enjoy regular beans? Jewish people, Muslim people, atheists, agnostics, everyone else on earth.
OK, so you can play bean games with jelly beans. You can play all that stuff with beans, too. Same with the taste test, making a collage. You said that regular beans have drab colors. We got red beans. We got black beans. We got white beans. We got green beans. You name a color, we got a bean for it.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And time. Wow.
MIKE CABELLON: I had more. I had more. I could have kept going.
ALI HORMANN: I just think that Mike needs to up his level of whimsy in his life. And less-- less concrete and more in the clouds.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: All right, Riley, give 1 point to the Declaration of Greatness you liked best and 1 point to the rebuttal that won you over. You get to decide what makes a winning argument. Did one team's jokes make you giggle? Was another team's logic impeccable? Award your points, but don't tell us who it's going to.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Excellent. Ali and Mike, how are you two feeling so far?
ALI HORMANN: Confident.
MIKE CABELLON: Ooh, I'm-- if you could see me right now, I'd be cracking my knuckles.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ooh, I like that. Confident and cracking one's knuckles. OK, it's time for a quick break. Look for the Easter Bunny and frugal old man.
RILEY: And we'll be right back with more Smash, Boom, Best.
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: You're listening to State of Debate, home to raging rhetoric and awe-inspiring argumentation.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Splish, splash, it's me, Taylor Lincoln, alongside my sparkling clean bud, Todd Douglas. Say, is that a pair of vacuum cleaners you're holding above your head, Todd?
TODD DOUGLAS: Hi, Taylor. It sure is. I use two so that I can clean the ceiling at lightning speed. Phew! Now, the only thing left is my double-handed, super-spinning, full-room mopping.
[WHIRRING]
TAYLOR LINCOLN: I love to clean, too. But instead of rooms, I like to clean up bad arguments, especially when there are logical fallacies in the mix.
TODD DOUGLAS: Oh, a logical fallacy. That's when someone makes a bad argument that's easy to defeat.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It is. And the other day, I overheard a real messy one. Let's take a listen.
WAITER: Hi. Welcome to Sergeant Sloppy's Sloptacular Slopsterant. Our food is sloppy and rude. Can I please take your order?
CUSTOMER: Yes. I'll have the chili cheese slop dog, extra slop sauce, with a side of slop fries. But hold the onions, please.
WAITER: Anything else?
CUSTOMER: Do you think I could get some extra napkins with this? I mean, it feels like it might get kind of sloppy.
WAITER: Ooh, no can do.
CUSTOMER: No extra napkins? But why not?
WAITER: If I give you more paper napkins, then everyone will want extra napkins. And then they might have to cut down whole forests to make more. And there wouldn't be any more trees in the world. So I'm sorry, I have to say no to extra napkins.
[BUZZER]
TODD DOUGLAS: Whoa, clean-up in the debate aisle.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Indeedamundo, Todd, old pal. That was a real sloppy argument.
TODD DOUGLAS: That cashier was using the slippery slope fallacy. That's where someone claims that a small action will lead to a huge outcome.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: It's messy because it exaggerates what might happen without any evidence.
TODD DOUGLAS: Well, I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm suddenly craving slop dogs.
TAYLOR LINCOLN: Me too. Let's not get them to go, though. I wouldn't want to get any on this newly cleaned ceiling.
TODD DOUGLAS: Thanks. We'll see you next time on--
TODD AND TAYLOR: State Of Debate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SPEAKER 7: Brains On! Universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults. Since you're a fan of Smash, Boom, Best, you'll love the other shows in our universe. Come on, let's explore.
[AIRPLANE FLYING]
ALIEN: Its Alien Exercise Hour! Hi-ya. Hoo-ha! While I stretch my snoodles and bounce on my trampoline, I'll listen to a new podcast. [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
I'm going to try Brains On! The best science podcast ever.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
SPEAKER 8: It's starting! Yay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
SPEAKER 9: Hello and welcome to Pop Planet, the only show that gets you up close and personal with space. I'm your host, star, Eden--
ALIEN: Zorp! Come back here, Podcast. Must listen to Brains On! Now!
SPEAKER 7: Listen to Brains On! wherever you get your podcasts.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
(SINGING) Best
Boom
Smash
Smash Boom
Best
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: You're listening to Smash, Boom, Best. I'm your host, Aron Woldeslassie.
RILEY: And I'm your judge, Riley.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And we love getting debate suggestions from our listeners. Take a listen to this debate idea from Bethany.
BETHANY: My name is Bethany from Tennessee. My idea for a battle is Nerf guns versus water guns.
RILEY: Let's give this debate a shot.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: We'll check back in at the end of this episode to see which side Bethany thinks should win.
RILEY: And now it's back to our debate, jelly beans versus beans.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: That's right. And it's time for round two, the--
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: Micro Round.
[DING]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: For the Micro Round challenge, each team has prepared a creative response to a prompt they received in advance. For Mike and Ali, the prompt was short story. We asked you two to write a short story about your side. Mike went first last time. So Ali, you're up. Tell us a tale about your tiny treat.
[FOOTSTEPS]
TRAVELER: Oh, look, a bridge. I'll just skip across here and--
FAIRY: Hello there. I'm a bridge fairy, and you must answer my riddle before you can pass.
TRAVELER: Shouldn't you be a troll?
FAIRY: Do I look like a troll to you?
TRAVELER: No, sorry. So the riddle?
FAIRY: Oh, yeah. What takes three weeks to create but seconds to destroy? Its countless colors and flavors have brought 150 years of joy.
TRAVELER: No clue. Did you just hit me with jelly beans?
FAIRY: Yes, because that's the answer-- jelly beans. They take weeks to make. Come with me on a magical, rainbow-flavored journey to learn more.
TRAVELER: Do I have to?
FAIRY: If you don't, I will turn you into a can of beans.
TRAVELER: Harsh but fair.
[POOF]
FAIRY: We start in commercial kitchens, where food scientists stir together sugar, water, fruit pectin, and flavoring to cook for almost 12 hours.
TRAVELER: Shouldn't there be magical creatures or something?
FAIRY: What, like Sasquatch in a hairnet? [LAUGHS] Come on, this is modern candy making.
TRAVELER: Ah, Good. Point.
FAIRY: [SIGHS] Next, the sugar mix is poured carefully into molds of cornstarch so they can dry for 24 to 72 hours to make the chewy center.
TRAVELER: That's my favorite part.
FAIRY: Dude, same. Next, the jelly bean centers come to rotating drums, where they are tumbled and coated in colors and more flavor. This is how you get the crunchy outsides.
TRAVELER: Wow. So much goes into making these tiny, delicious beans. I feel like such a garbanzo for not knowing this.
FAIRY: They are carefully crafted treats that take seconds to eat. OK, now you can cross the bridge, but watch out for trolls.
TRAVELER: Cool. Wait. Trolls?
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: What a fairy tale. Mike, now it's your turn. Tell us your bean-filled story.
MIKE CABELLON: Once upon a time, there was a bean who really wanted to be a jelly bean. He was so jealous of how jelly beans always got passed out at Halloween and how everybody seemed to love them. "I'm just a plain old bean," he lamented.
So one day he visited a wizard chef. He said, oh, Wizard Chef, will you please turn me into a jelly bean? The chef thought for a moment, then said, "Yes, just soak yourself in this magical pot of water for three days and three nights. And when you awaken, you'll have everything you desire."
So the bean hopped into the pot and fell into a deep slumber. And when he awoke, he felt different. He felt like a butterfly ready to emerge from its cocoon. He was practically leaping with excitement to show off his new jelly bean form. And sure enough, when he climbed out of the pot, he was the talk of the town. Everybody loved him. Everybody wanted a taste.
For the first time in his life, he felt popular. He had finally gotten everything he ever wanted. But when he passed a mirror, he saw that he wasn't a jelly bean at all. "Where's my brightly colored candy coating?" he shouted in horror. He was still just a regular bean.
So he asked the wizard chef, "Why did you lie to me?" The chef laughed and replied, "I didn't lie to you, little bean. Don't you see? You had it inside of you all along. You don't need to be a jelly bean to be loved. You're nutritious, versatile, and perfect just the way you are."
And so the bean smiled and lived happily ever after. The end.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh my goodness. What a tasty tale. Thank you so much. OK, Riley, what did you like about Mike and Ali's micro rounds?
RILEY: I don't know, they were really fun. I liked about the jelly beans one, I liked how it talked about the creation of the jelly beans. I thought that was really cool. And then in the beans one, I just very much empathized with that bean character, that lonely little bean. I thought that was a very nice story.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Sure, sure.
MIKE CABELLON: We can all relate to the lonely little bean.
RILEY: Exactly.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: It's time to award a point. But don't tell us who you're voting for.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Riley, have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Fantastic. Then it's time for our third round, the super stealthy-- ha, hoo, ha!
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: Sneak Attack!
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: This is our improvised round, where debaters have to respond to a challenge on the spot. Today's sneak attack is called 3, 2, 1, List Off! In this challenge, Ali and Mike go back and forth, listing off different varieties of flavors of jelly beans and beans until one of them runs out of ideas.
We'll give you to the count of three to come up with something. If you can't say something before time runs out, game over. Does that make sense?
ALI HORMANN: Yes.
MIKE CABELLON: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Perfect. Ali went first in our last round. So, Mike, you'll kick it off. So on your mark, get set, go!
MIKE CABELLON: Pinto beans.
ALI HORMANN: Grape.
MIKE CABELLON: Chickpeas.
ALI HORMANN: Cherry.
MIKE CABELLON: Soybeans.
ALI HORMANN: Buttered popcorn.
MIKE CABELLON: Black-eyed peas.
ALI HORMANN: Root beer float.
MIKE CABELLON: Broad beans.
ALI HORMANN: Earwax.
[LAUGHTER]
MIKE CABELLON: That's not real! OK, OK, OK. Cannellini beans.
ALI HORMANN: Lime.
MIKE CABELLON: Black beans.
ALI HORMANN: Blueberry.
[SNICKERING]
MIKE CABELLON: Butter beans.
ALI HORMANN: Cotton candy.
MIKE CABELLON: Kidney beans.
ALI HORMANN: Lemon-lime.
MIKE CABELLON: Borlotti beans.
ALI HORMANN: Barf.
[SNICKERING]
MIKE CABELLON: Gigantes.
ALI HORMANN: Um, sour apple.
MIKE CABELLON: Uh, Lima beans.
ALI HORMANN: Limeade.
MIKE CABELLON: Um, lentils. Lentils are beans.
ALI HORMANN: Licorice.
MIKE CABELLON: Uh, Anasazi beans.
ALI HORMANN: Tangerine.
MIKE CABELLON: Uh, Garbanzos? Did I already say that one?
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, you did. That's game.
MIKE CABELLON: Ah!
ALI HORMANN: Yes!
MIKE CABELLON: Wow. Wow. I really thought I had that one in the bag.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, you guys were going back and forth.
RILEY: That was impressive.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ali, I gotta say, I really thought you were scraping the bottom of the barrel when you said barf.
ALI HORMANN: I was trying to find things that would throw Mike off his game.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Sure, sure.
MIKE CABELLON: Barf really did it.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Yeah, barf will really throw you off your game. All right, Riley, think about which side impressed you the most and award your fourth point. But don't tell us who you're giving it to.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Perfect. Then it's time for our final round.
MARLEY FEUERWERKER-OTTO: The Final Six.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: In this round, each team will have just six words to sum up the glory of their side. All right, Ali, let's hear your six words that prove jelly beans are the sweet treat that can't be beat.
ALI HORMANN: Slow and steady wins the taste.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Lovely. OK, Mike, it's your turn. Give us your six words proving the power of beans.
MIKE CABELLON: Beans are actual food, not chemicals.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Ooh, a thinker. I like that. OK, it's time to award a point for the Final Six.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Riley, have you made your decision?
RILEY: Yes.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Are you ready to crown one team the Smash, Boom, Best?
RILEY: Yes, I am.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Drum roll, please. And the winner is--
RILEY: Beans.
[FANFARE PLAYS]
MIKE CABELLON: Yes, yes!
ALI HORMANN: Riley.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Wow. Wow.
RILEY: Sorry.
MIKE CABELLON: I really thought I lost it there with the back and forth, but I'm glad we prevailed today.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Oh my gosh. So, Riley, was there a moment that decided things for you?
RILEY: I don't know if there was one moment. It was kind of split. It was 3-2 in the points.
MIKE CABELLON: Wow.
ALI HORMANN: Wow.
MIKE CABELLON: Right down to the wire.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Wait, what was the final point?
RILEY: The final point went to jelly beans for the Final Six. Mike, I really appreciated the effort you put into not only knowing your beans, but knowing the value of them.
MIKE CABELLON: That's very kind of you. Thank you. Ali, I think you're right. I do need a little bit more whimsy in my life, a little less concrete, a little more head in the clouds. So thank you for encouraging me to reach higher.
ALI HORMANN: Any time.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And that's it for today's debate battle. Riley crowned beans the Smash, Boom, Best. But what about you?
RILEY: Head to smashboom.org and vote to tell us who you think won.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Smash, Boom, Best is brought to you by Brains On! and APM Studios. It's produced by me, Aron Woldeslassie.
MOLLY BLOOM: Molly Bloom.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And--
ANNA WEGGEL: Anna Weggel.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: We had engineering help from Evan Clark, Jake Cherry, and Vince Armstrong, with sound design by me. Our editors are--
SHAHLA FARZAN: Shahla Farzan.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And--
SANDEN TOTTEN: Sanden Totten.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: With fact checking by--
REBECCA RAND: Rebecca Rand.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And--
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And we had production help from the rest of the Brains On! Universe team.
ROSIE DUPONT: Rosie DuPont.
RACHEL BREES: Rachel Brees.
ANNA GOLDFIELD: Anna Goldfield.
NICO GONZALEZ WISLER: Nico Gonzalez Wisler.
RUBY GUTHRIE: Ruby Guthrie.
LAUREN HUMPERT: Lauren Humpert.
JOSHUA RAY: Joshua Ray.
REBECCA RAND: Rebecca Rand.
MARC SANCHEZ: Marc Sanchez and--
CHARLOTTE TRAVER: Charlotte Traver.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Our executive producer is Beth Pearlman and the APM Studios executives in charge are Chandra Kavati and Joanne Griffith. Our announcer is Marley Feuerwerker-Otto, and we want to give a special thanks to Luna, Lulu, Austin Cross, and Taylor Kaufman.
Mike, is there anyone you'd like to give a shout-out to today?
MIKE CABELLON: I would like to shout out the inspiration for the voice of the bean in my short story and the best dog in the whole world, Cosmo.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aww. How about you, Ali? Any shout-outs?
ALI HORMANN: I would like to shout out my three sons, Soren, Jude, and Axel, and also Caleb and Maya [? Gui ?] who listen to this podcast with us.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: And do you want to give any special thanks, Riley?
RILEY: I'd like to thank my family and special shout-out to the cast of Legally Blonde at my high school.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: Aww, that's so sweet. Before we go, let's check in and see who Bethany thinks should win the Nerf gun versus watergun debate.
BETHANY: I think Nerf guns would win because you don't have to have a water source.
ARON WOLDESLASSIE: If you're between the ages of 13 and 18 and you'd like to be a judge, or if you're any age and you have an idea for a knock-down, drag-out debate, head to smashboom.org/contact and drop us a line. And make sure to subscribe to Brains On! Universe on YouTube, where you can watch animated versions of some of your favorite episodes.
We'll be back with a new Smash, Boom, Best debate next week. Forts versus puzzles. Bye-bye.
RILEY: See you later.
MIKE CABELLON: Goodbye.
ALI HORMANN: Bye.
(SINGING) Ooh,
You're the Smash, Boom, Best
Ooh, put you through the test
Ooh, you're the Smash, Boom, Best
Ooh, better than the rest
You're the Smash, Boom, Best
You're the Smash, Boom, Best
[CHILDREN FARTING]
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